I Can't Let You Go
by sarah lambert-ratliff
Summary: What do you do when you are about to give up everything? When you have only a few months to live how do you spend it? Adam lambert has some tough choices to make on how to spend his last 6 months and who with.
1. Chapter 1

**I Can't Let You Go**  
**Chapter One: A shocking message.**

**Authors note: before I start this story, I just want to say this is NOTHING against Mr Lambert nor a wish that he falls ill because I would NEVER wish this on anyone I've lost five people to cancer. My gay friend from college (also called adam) is in hospital very sick and it helps me cope. Peace and love j x**

Guess it was not meant to be  
But it's not as bad as it seems  
It only burns when I breathe, yeah

You saw the way that I fell  
But I'm better off by myself  
That's the tale I like to tell, yeah

But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye  
And everything in me, wants you back in my life

Can't let you go

I'd been playing that song over and over on my ipod for hours now, ever since the phonecall had come. Adam was in hospital and it was serious. Very serious, they thought it might be cancer. He could be dying they just didn't know anything yet or so Adam told her. He'd been sick now for months on and off, putting a brave face on it all. Still proforming, pretending everything was okay.

Inside my heart is breaking,  
My make up may be flaking  
But my smile still stays on...

I'd been watching the press coverage of the shows, watching the youtube videos and I knew something was wrong. Adam was always slim, but now he was getting thin. Too damn thin for my liking, more then just end of the tour stuff. Whenever we spoke he was always tired, not that unusual I guess when you are on the road and different timezones all the time.

There was something just missing in his proformances. He had always had this amazing sparkle to him and I didn't mean his glitter. An energy, a vibe, something so strong and powerful about him. I had always dubbed it his 'Dracula Vibe' after we had watched 'Bram Stoker's Dracula' one evening and laughed at Keanu Reeve's terrible fake english accent. There was something about this boy that always made everyone who met him fall completely and hopelessly in love with him.

As always Adam hadn't wanted to worry me, he know I was going througha rough spot in my life so he had hidden it away. Lied to me for so very long, not realising that those lies were tearing me apart even worse. If only he wasn't touring, if only I could get to him! I would know in a second if he was telling the truth or not, I had always been able to.

You see Adam was my oldest and closest friend. Ten years now or was it twelve? I couldn't remember anymore, forever I knew that much! As I put the phone down, after talking with him as calm and cold as ice, my poker face dropped and I slammed to the floor crying. My babyboy, my dark prince, the man I'd been in love with since the first moment I had laid eyes on him, reguardless of the fact I knew he was gay, could be dying. I could loose the one spark in my life that kept me going. The only constant I had had through all the pain and suffering in my life. To think of that candle being snuffed out was more then I could bare.

I don't know how long I lay there crying, trying to purge myself of all the grief in my body. All I know is it eventually passed and the shaking stoped. I stood like a zombie and went to wash my face, carefully applying the kohl eyeliner and mascara Adam had bought me for my birthday. Covering the redness in my tear swollen face with as much foundation as I dared to put on.

Had to put on a good front, had to be strong for his sake. My bag was packed in moments, the hour was growing late. I hadn't long got in from work, I had barely even thought about changing my clothes. Grabbing some black skinnies and a random tee shirt with the leather jacket he had also bought me. Crushing my feet into those kneeboots he loved me in but pinched my toes.

I'd suffer any amount of pain for him today. It couldn't be any worse then what he was already suffering. Grabbing my bag I rushed for the train, just making it and waited impatiently for it to get me to the hospital. I knew I would be on there for well over an hour, and there was nothing I could do about it. Even so I felt like I should be trying harder or something as I mouthed the words to the song playing in my head over and over. The words I'd always found touching and emotional, so beautiful meant so much more to me today exhausted and lulled by the hypnotic sound of his voice and the darkened train, I found my eyes closing slowly. It wasn't as If I could miss my stop, the train terminated at the hospital. A few moments rest couldn't hurt surely?...


	2. Chapter 2

**I Can't Let You Go**  
**Chapter Two: Dreams and Memories.**

I was back at senior year, I had just moved schools after the big rape. I was a complete loner, didn't talk to anyone, ignored anyone trying to make friends or even speak to me. All I wanted to do was study and get the fuck out of there at the end of the day.

I was a budding writer and addicted to the written word. So every break was spent sat under a tree in the school grounds. Far enough away from the others not to be disterbed and on a slight hill so the sun hit the spot just right. I'd picked it specially for that fact. The perfect location to just lose myself and relax in the words whether they were my own or someone elses.

More often then not I got so carried away in my work that I would miss the bell to go back to class. Whenever I had a notebook open and started writing or if I had my head in a really good story, I was just lost. So deeply that I wouldn't notice a bomb going off until the blast hit me.

Today was one of those days, I had a free last period and I usually would go home early, but my feet hurt. New shoes had cut my ankle to shreads, so I had decided to rest here a while drinking my diet coke and eatting my skittles finishing up a chapter that was just SCREAMING out to be written and wouldn't give me any peace until I finished it.

My hand just flew accross the page scribbling with a mind of its own, taking the characters places that I had never even thought about before now. I even forgot about my drink and sweets as time just slipped away from me. I heard a faint shout of 'LOOK OUT!' And I reacted instantly. A life time of beatings kicking in as I held the book up to protect my face as a large stone was thrown at me. It bounced harmlessly off the pages.

I glared at the jock who had thrown it and was muttering 'freak' and 'witch' at me and I started to gather my things together. Knee high boots, vest top with a bat on, ruffled skirt all in blaxk and a blood red velvet shirt loose over the top in this sticky heat. Badly applied black make up, and dripping in pentagram and rune silver jewellery, I guess I was a freak to them.

Like I cared, I was only here for a pass grade and then I was getting the hell out of here straight after prom. Leaving everyone and everything I knew behind. I worked after school some evenings and most of the weekends in a local bar. I just didn't tell them I was only 17, fake I D was awesome. I had a lot of money saved up and hiddern away. Enough to get away from my family, my pain and start afresh.

As I threw my stuff in my bag and swigged at my drink, I took notice of who had shouted to me. A young pretty guy I'd seen about the campus. He was a loner like me, he also dressed in a mixture of punk and goth and he had no friends I had seen yet. He used to scribble away in a notebook too, hiddern further up the hill in the shade where as I loved the sun. I took in his features, handsome, dark hair, professional looking applied makeup. I bet he had plenty of comments about that in school! Those eyes, blue and grey and full of sadness. We locked eyes and I knew we were exactly the same. Cut from the same cloth, suffered too much too young and tainted by those pasts. I mouthed a thank you and he nodded faintly. Then we went our seperate ways without another word.

Being a writer I used to people watch from my vantage point as often as I could just to get my characters just right. The little flaws in human nature and piece of body language that was so damn hard to perfect. I found myself watching that kid more and more. How the others treated him. He got pushed around a lot, shouting abuse, called fag, queer, freak, monster, satenist and god knows what else. You name it and he got it, not that I didn't get a lot of it as well. I ignored the shouts and whispers as I walked down the halls. I'd had worse, boy had I had worse over my life then a few names. I noticed now and then that he would cry quietly to himself from his hiding place near me. I'd meet his eyes in a silent question, 'are you okay?'. And he would nod faintly, dry his eyes and smile back glad that someone actually cared. And we would both go back to our work like nothing had happened. Strange how a friendship starts huh?

Weeks passed like this, until one lunch break some guys started on this disable kid who had the body of a 40 year old, but the mind of a five year old. He was in the schools 'special' programme. They knocked his bag out of his hands skattering his books everywhere. My heart chilled as I stuffed my things into my bag.

The goth guy looked at me and shook his head urgently, these were the worst of the campus bullies. They would take that slight five foot, two, size 12 frame down in a single second. I hovered urgently trying to decide what to do for the best. Then the kid was on the ground and they were kicking him. Everyone ignoring what was happening, walking past like nothing was going on.

I couldn't wait one dame second longer, I threw my bag at the goth boy to look after. A lot of trust as I always kept my most treasured things with me at all times. I figured he was safer then those freaks. And I flew down that hill wedging myself between the beaters and the boy breathing heavily. They told me to move, I said no and stood there arms folded just waiting for one of them to act.

They started to insult me, but I wasn't having any of it and for the first time in three years I snapped. I started screaming exactly what I thought of them for picking on a disabled boy, swearing and threatening them in full graphic details. I was angry, so damn angry I didn't care what they did to me as long as that boy was okay. As long as not one single more fist or boot connected with him.

The school grew deathly silent as my rage blasted loudly accross the campus. When I was done I felt exhausted, like I had just purged myself of years of repressed anger which I probabley had. I buried everything and always would do. Only time people would get to know me was through my writing. Not that I ever let anyone look at that for it was my bare untamed soul.

The first guy threw a punch at me and I moved to escape it, but before I could this beautiful blonde jock grabbed his fist and punched him in the stomach. Then the fight was on in earnest, the new arrival throwing punches and kickes, me weaving in and out, landing the odd punch here and there. Tripping them up, scissoring their legs out from under them. I saw the blonde look surprised I could fight and fight dirty. My jaded past showing through a little too well perhaps this one moment.

Within just minutes it was over, the jocks were cowards and couldn't cope with being stood up to. I hurried to pick the boys stuff up and check he was okay, wiping blood from his face. When I was satisified I told him to get the nurse to check him over. He smiled his childish smile and kissed my cheek before he left.

The blonde dragged me away from the others back to the grassy area. "What the HELL were you doing up against five men?!" He demanded, "They could have killed you!"

I glared back, "The right damn thing, unlike you who only stepped in to help a girl! You never looked twice at that poor kid on the floor. Which makes you just as bad as them!"

I roughly pulled his hand off my arm trying not to be sick being so close to another guy. I couldn't bare to be within ten feet of one. I stalked away to see the goth boy walking towards me, he handed me my bag. "Thanks." I murmered.

"Are you hurt?" He asked.

It was the first time I had ever heard his voice, it rung out sweet and light, just perfect. He nodded towards my puffy and bleeding lip. "I will be fine, I always am." I snapped dabbing at it. I was bruised as hell, I'd feel it tomorrow I knew that much.

"I'm not your enemy" he commented.

"You aren't my friend either." I retorted.  
"Understood." He walked off looking sad and I instantly regretted my words.

The next morning I walked towards the school, he was sat just outside the gate reading from a very familer looking notebook I must have dropped. He was dressed in black jeans, a long sleeved black tee shirt and an oversized overshirt which didn't at all hide exactly how sexy he was. I as usual was in black jeans, a strappy top and that velvet shirt.

He stood as I walked over, closing the book and offering it to me. "I found it on the grass after you left."

I took it and shoved it in my bag with a mumbled thanks.

"I hope you don't mind I read it, twice. I was curious what you were always working away at." He said softly.

I blushed, "No ones ever read it. No one has ever read any of it before."

"I really liked it, its really good I promise." He smiled back.

Damn it that smile was intoxicating, stealing my free will almost. "I'm Sarah." I found myself saying.

That sexy smile broke out into a full grin, like I had just given him the best gift in the world, which later I found out that I had. "I'm Adam." He answered.

I found myself grinning back as I looked behind him to the waiting jocks. I ached all over already and sighed. "Fell like bunking off today?" I asked not expecting anything.

"I feel like bunking off everyday." Adam answered, "Let's go."

"Park?" I asked as we turned away, "Or I could show you the woods?"

"Either, anywhere that's not school" he replied, "Would you like me to show you how to use that eyeliner so it doesn't clump so much?"

"Oh dear Odin YES, I hate trying to do my make up and yours is always so flawless." I answered.

We walked away laughing and that as they say was that. The bond was forged in that moment, that a lifetime could never sever. The best of friends, the almost lovers, two broken fucked up kids making each other just that little bit better just by being around.


	3. Chapter 3

**I Can't Let You Go**

**Chapter Three: The hospital. **

**Authors Note: OMG guys the reviews on this are making me cry. Glad you guys are taking the journey with me. You guys keep reviewing and I will keep getting suger and caffine high to keep updating xxx**

I woke up as the train jolted around a corner. We were almost there finally and I had slept the whole way, I was even more exhausted then I thought I was then. I found tears on my face from where I'd been dreaming about how we first met. I fixed my make up fast to hide it all. My stomach took a belly flop as the building came into sight. I hated hospitals, they terrified me. I had spent far too much time in them as a child, through no fault of my own of course.

Tiredly I hauled myself from the seat and off of the train. Following Adam's list of instructions to the room. 708 wait that's xray?! "ADAM!" I growled, I'd forgotten for a moment he had number dyslexia. He hid it so damn well from everyone, I had only worked it out when I noticed he always got phone numbers and room numbers messed up. I had letter dyslexia so perhaps I read him a little easier then others did, I hid mine damn well too.

I dropped back to the nurses station for the correct room number and swung by Cafe Nero to pick him up the usual order. No point asking when he had had the same order the whole time I had known him, and I was passing so it saved him sending me on a very long walk for coffee.

When I got to the right number for his private room I froze. I didn't know if I could do this, not again and not with him. The last time had been rough enough, death had been on the cards and close to our hearts. Could I survive a second time? I sighed, not as if I had a choice. I could never leave his side.

If I wanted to go, I'd have gone by now. But I really near you near me, to keep my mind off the edge.

Trying to keep my poker face on, I knocked and pushed the door open. Adam was laying on top of the bed covers, in jeans and a shirt. Apart from the lack of make up he was wearing, he looked almost normal. Tired and far too thin, but he was my babyboy still. No tubes, wires or moniters. For that I was greatful, a small comfort in this dire location.

He was writing away in that falling apart leather notebook that drove me nuts. Over the years it had been burnt, stained, battered, soaked and rioned, but he would never part with it. It meant the world to him, one of the few possessions he had had since the begining. It did look like I needed to mend it again though. It was a very good thing I had trained up to repair books. I slapped his foot to knock him out of his writers daze.

Adam looked up blinking a few times to come back to himself. "SARAH!" He exclaimed, jumping up and hugging me so tightly I nearly dropped the tray of drinks. "Oh I missed you angel.' He murmered into my hair.

The tears were even harder to choke back now I was with him, but I did it somehow holding him so tightly. Breathing in that spicy cinnamon aftershave he always wore. "Its good to see you." I croaked not trusting myself to speak more then that.

Adam pulled back and studied my face. "You didn't put on enough eyeliner to cover up those puffy eyes. Been crying over me baby?"

"Oh please, who would ever shed a tear over you? You arrogent pig!" I retorted with a smile on my face.

"Yes, who could ever cry over this." He sighed. Grabbing my free hand as he look in the stroform cups and paper bag I was carrying. "Wanna get out of here with those?"

"Are you good to?" I asked.

"As long as I am back in time for my meds." He commented, "I could do with some fresh air."

I nodded, neither of us could live hemmed in. Always moving on, roaming free as much as possible. I let him lead me into the cool evening air, so very glad to be away from that sterile smell. He found us a bench near a small fountain hemmed with rose bushes and I unpacked the bag.

One foul caramel latte thingy just like he loved, I looked at it with loathing as I passed it over. One bitter hot chocolate, two pieces of fudge cake, one mushroom and cheese melt and a meatball melt with extra of every kind of meat they did.

He attacked the slab of meat with such relish I wondered just how long he had been living on hospital food. I picked at my cheese melt distractedly not noticing he was staring. "Are you not eatting again?" He asked concerned.

I forced myself to try and eat bigger bites and not just play with the food. "What do you expect?" I commented, he knew that my first stress self defence was always to not eat.

"I'm sorry baby, I didn't want you to find out. Wanted to know for sure either way and not bother you." He stared at his feet. "But I got scared." He finished in a whisper.

I leaned forward and kissed his cheek softly a few times. "You did the right thing baby, you know I'm always gonna be here for you."

Adam gript my hand tighter, "Thank you."

The moment passed and we went back to eatting in silence. "It'll be okay, we've always gotten through everything together. We will get through this as well, you'll see. Me and you against the world, nothing can EVER stop us taking the world by storm. I promise!" I told him warmly.

That cracked his armour as I knew it would, and the grown man who had always towered a foot taller then me, crawled into my arms sobbing like a small frightened child. I held him tightly and rocked him gently, singing softly to him. My own tears falling to mix with his.

Come out of the darkness  
I know that you can find your way somehow  
Trust you're gonna find it  
Baby its alright  
You were born to fly  
Just hold on  
Misfits won't quit  
Get your arms up  
And no one else can bring it like us

My poor sweet baby, needing me so very badly, but just too scared to ask. I had hoped that in all these years I had finally broken him of that, but clearly not. "Whatever happens for better or for worst. I'm here with you. I am NOT going anywhere, EVERB do you hear me?!"

Adam nodded slightly in my lap, my sweet words sending him into even more tears. He'd had such a tough life that it was hardly a surprise that now the end might be close he didn't expect anyone to be there for him. They never had been! Everyone had always treated him like shit for who and what he was.

It tore me up that I was the only person who could say 'I love you' to him and mean it in every way. The only person who never walked away when things got tough. We weren't soulmates, nor lovers or any of that bullshit. We were two halves of the same coin. We only ever felt complete when the other was near. We needed eachother to survive.

I kissed his hair as he cried himself out in my lap. Stroking his back as the shaking subsided and he could finally sit back up again. I was the only person who he could break down like that infront of that wouldn't judge him for it. I didn't say a word, I didn't need to. Half of what we talked about we did without words. A simple look or touch and we knew what the other meant.

"You ruined what was left of your make up." He commented, finding a make up wipe in his jacket pocket and started to clean it off for me. "Do you want me to redo it? I only have my baby case with me."

I laughed, his baby case was bigger then most peoples entire collections. "It will be fine, don't worry."

We heard a nurse shouting him as he finished cleaning my face and we headed back for him to take his meds. There were a terrible lot of them. I sat and observed silently as he swallowed them all.

"They make me sleepy pretty fast." Adam warned after the nurse left.

"Do you want me to stay?" I asked.

"Don't you have work tomorrow?" He asked in surprise.

"I took a few days off." I didn't care that the boss was being a bitch over it. She could fire me for all I fucking cared right now. No job was worth missing out on this, nothing would ever keep me from him.

Adam looked into my soul, he knew what it must have cost me to get any time off and what I would go back to afterwards. "Please angel."

I had automatically packed a few days clothing into my oversized bag and started to unpackwhat I needed for the night. We got changed infront of each other, wasn't anything either of us hadn't seen before. And took turns getting washed up.

Adam was swaying on his feet by the time we were done as the drugs started kicking in. Taking him by the hand, I lead him into bed and climbed next to him after I had locked the door and turned out the light. He sighed contentedly and cuddled up to me. I kissed his hair one last time and settled down to try to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**I Can't Let You Go**  
**Chapter Four: A growing bond.**

The dream carried on from where it had left off, when I eventually got to sleep sometime after 4am. Not daring to move incase I woke my sleeping beloved.

I saw myself and the younger Adam settling down in the park, watching the ducks on the lake. I dragged a snap box of brownies from the bag, a couple of cabs of diet coke and a pile of notebooks. Offering the food and drink accross to my new almost friend.

"Is there anything you don't have in that bag?" He asked stunned, "No wonder it was so heavy.

"Not much really." I laughed, wow that felt weird to be happyish again. "And I really don't notice the weight anymore."

Adam noticed how packed it was with books and clothing. "Carry your life around with you? You running kid?"

I froze the can half way to my lips, "Yeah after Prom, got nothing to stick around here for."

"You have me now." He offered reaching out to take my hand.

I pulled away sharply before he got to me, moving slightly back uncomfortable. Taking a bite of a brownie letting the suger calm my nerves. "Sorry, I don't do touch." I mumbled.

Adam looked at me sadly as he openned his drink. "Your ex, Stephen was it? What did he do to you? Hit you or rape you?"

I shot to my feet backing away fast. "Have you been spying on me? Checking up on me?" I demanded, "They promised me no one would know! They swore when they relocated us!". I felt dizzy, sick, and was finding it hard to breathe. The edges of my vision starting to go black as my brain starved of oxygen as I hyperventilated.

"Forgive me." Adam asked quietly, and he wrapped his arms around me. Holding me as the panic attack raged, sheilding me from the view of anyone passing.

Normally I would freak out even more at any touch when I was like this. A man's touch worst of att, but as he held me humming a calming tune I found myself relaxing. He stroked my hair as my tears fell soaking his chest and shirt until I had myself under control again.

"Now would you like to tell me what that was all about?" He asked watching my dab at my running make up trying to repair it. Taking the wipe off me and slowly removing the black streaks from my cheeks. I stood there watching him work with a fasination. What was it about this guy that made me feel so damn safe? "Are you okay? Still with me sweet angel?" He asked drawing his own eyeliner out of a pocket and gracefully making me up in seconds. Showing me in his pocket mirror the results.

"You are too good at that for a guy." I commented dryly, finding my voice at last.

"Plenty of practise, that's all it takes." He replied still waiting for his answer.

I could see I wasn't getting out of this one, he would wait forever if that's what it took. "I will tell ya, but not here in the open. Are you up for a long walk?" I loved hiking in the woods, just to escape from everyone and everything, but I knew that few would share my passions.

"Got nothing better to do." He replied, helping me pack everything back away.

I waved the brownies at him. "Come on I know you love chocolate. I've seen you sneaking it out of your bag at break. Just cause I made them doesn't mean they are poisened. Not against you anyway."

Adam took one gingerly, turning it over and sniffing it as we headed towards to trees. Watching me munching my own piece. It certainly smelt good, he gave it a tentertive lick and then a small bite. Next thing I knew it was gone and his hand was snagging back into the box for another. "There are devine, they just melt in your mouth!" He infused.

"Might not be good at much, but I know my chocolate." I smiled, "it takes plenty of practise to know which mix right."

"I'm pretty sure you are a lot better at thing then you let on." He answered.

Couple of miles up the trail, I veered off into the treeline tugging him after me as he finished off the box of treats. Clearly he didn't eat much or he was just as addicted to candy as I was. He stumbled after me, "Where are we going? Planning to murder me and bury my body out here?"

"Oh yeah cause the drugged brownies should be kicking in right about now." I said dead straight faced.

He looked worried for a moment studying my face before deciding I was joking. "Death by chocolate, there are worse ways to go."

He followed me into a small glade, the sun bathed it in a warm soft light. "No one ever comes here, I doubt many even know it exists." I said settling down.

"How do you know it when you have only been here six weeks? This place is amazing!" He asked, laying on the grass next to me propped up on one arm.

"I erm. Well I tend not to go home much, not unless I have to. Its awkward there, rather be on my own." I answered, "So how did you know about it all?"

Adam tapped the notebook, "The back cover had the name written over and over, then crossed and, scored through so it had ripped the back cover. There's one spot faded looking like it had once held a picture that got torn out. With your clear love and respect of books you never would have damaged it without good reason. Then there is your hatred of bullies, the way you watch everyone in trouble to see if it goes too far. The way you shy away from any male touch. In classes taught by male teachers, you pick the chair furthest in the back away from them. Your first aiding skills, checking the boy for concussion, ringing in the ears etc were seriously impressive. As were a few of those street fighting moves I wouldn't expect anyone west of Harlem to know. Add it all together and it seems if you add in the tired weight you always seem to carry around with you, the loner tendancies, the slow boiling anger you barely contain, the exhaustion in your eyes and soul. I would say that yóu have been through a lot given the fact you can barely be 17."

I was stunned, not only was it the longest I had ever heard him speak for. He was bang on with every single detail. He knew more about me then my own parents. I looked away from him, "People watchers, they are always deadly. See more then anyone else ever does. There's no one in the world who knows me as well as you just described me. Yes he was my boyfriend and I loved him very much. He had a temper and very jealous, worse when he was drunk. One night he and a few of his friends put me over a pool table in the back of the pool hall. There were five of them, and every single one of them got what they wanted. I was in hospital..." I broke off, "Well longer then I like to think about. The police moved us here while it goes to court. Witness protection of a sorts, Sarah isn't even my real name. My parents think that I led them on, that its all my fault they had to move and change jobs and all of this. They always blame me for everything."

Adam listened patiently, "And when you got out you learned to fight?"

My eyes snapped back to him full of rage, "NO MAN will EVER touch me like that again!"

"There's never an excuse to hit a woman or do that to her. I am so sorry baby." The sweet name rolling off his tongue without him even realising it. It was just who he was, a loving caring young man. He knew there was a lot more depth to my sin, but for one day he was pleased at what I had given so freely. "So I guess after all of that, I have to allow you a personal question back. Anything you wish, 'Hit me with you best shot'."

Refering to the song I played often when I was writing, I was surprised that he took such notice of my habits. I nodded to the leather bound journel by his side. "So what do you write about all day?"

Adam looked gobsmacked, "I offer you anything and you ask about my book? You can't think of anything else you want to know?"

I rolled my eyes, "Well I did think of asking why the long sleeves in 80 degree heat, but I fgiured it was clear you were hiding cuts. Or why you let the boys bully you and call you 'fag' and don't just turn around as say yes I gay get over it. Then I figured perhaps you hadn't dared to even admit it to yourself yet, so I went for a safer option that wouldn't leave your fairy ass crying."

"You knew? How?" He stumbled over his words, staring at me like I had three heads.

I shrugged, "Good cover being a goth, but no straight man reads Vogue for fashion tips or can apply make up that well. You walk in heeled boots like a professional. You never notice when a half naked girl walks by. There's a thousand different things you do every day to tell me you are, but then again as I said before. People watchers are deadly for they actually have eyes to see and know how to use them."

Adam cast his eyes down, "So I guess this is goodbye then?"

I wrinkled my forehead staring at him, "And why would you say that?"

"Because now you know that I'm a filthy, unclean, ungody, no good faggert and that I am gonna burn in hell for what I am." He sighed.

"Sweetie there's a lot of people in this world gonna burn, but I am pretty sure that being gay isn't one of the reasons why. You love who you WANT to love. Its not about the sex of the person, its about the soul inside of them ringing to the same tune as yours." I answered.

"You really don't mind?" He asked trying to keep a tinge of hope out of his voice.

I laughed, "Adam I don't care if you shag a sheep as long as you are happy! Its nothing to do with me or anyone else what you do with your life!"

Adam smiled warmly, "May I hug you?"

"You have permission to hug my anytime." I answered drawing him into a bear hug.

"I wish there were more people as open minded and kind as you, the world would be a much better place to live in." He whispered into my ear.

"Maybe one day we can show the world together that love is the answer and not all this fucking spiteful hatred." I replied.

"I would really like that." He said as he pulled away. He nodded to my velvet shirt, "So long sleeves, what are you hiding?"

I shrugged, "Show me yours and I will show you mine."

"Maybe one day Sarah, maybe one day." Adam answered, he picked up a loose page from the book and handed it to me. "You write about vampires and witches, I write songs."

I feel like I'm having a melt down  
I feel like I'm losing control  
They tell me I'm a danger to myself  
Now the crazy trains ready to roll

I read the lyrics through twice, taking slowly in all the meanings behind the words. "Sing it for me, no one is around for miles but us."

I offered him back the paper, but he shook it away. "I wrote them, I don't need that." He started off quietly, nervously,but as the song built I watched him forget that anyone else was there as he belted out line after line at the top of his lungs.

Lose my mind!  
I'm gonna lose my mind!  
Gonna get out of this straight jacket, whoa  
(Cuckoo)  
Gonna get out of this straight jacket, whoa  
Yeah!  
I wanna lose my mind, like a maniac  
And cross the line, never looking back  
We're on the loose, getting crazy  
And we've gone cuckoo  
Gonna party 'til they take us away  
(Lose my mind, gonna lose my mind, lose my mind)  
Gonna party 'til they take us away  
(Lose my mind, gonna lose my mind)  
Yeah, gonna party 'til they take us away

What a voice! I'd never heard anything so perfect, the words playing with your emotions finding a resenance and harmony with his dulset tones. as the song fade I clapped and that brought him slowly back to me, embarressed as he realised what he had just done.

"Don't even try Mr!" I warned, "That was magical, you are amazingly talented. I want a signed copy of your first cd when you make it big. Cause with vocal dexterity like that you are damn well gonna!"

He blushed even more, "And you better give me a signed copy of your first book Miss Edger Allen Poe!"

"Deal!" I smiled back, and I realised we had spent the whole day together just talking and being completely us. I had forgotten how good that felt, to be me again after all that pain. Even if the words of the song had brought me back some painful memories of the mental ward.


	5. Chapter 5

**I Can't Let You Go**  
**Chapter Five: One last good day?**

**Authors Note: this will be the last chapter updated for a week or so cause I need to write some more. I belted all these through in 36 hours straight. Anyone who wants to follow me on twitter and talk to me about the stories feel free loki_lucy. I also have two other angsty adam flicks on here. And now, let the pain carry on...**

As I woke up muzzily I realised I was alone in the bed, I heard 'Cuckoo' playing in the background softly on my ipod that Adam must have stolen out of my bag after he woke up. No wonder I had dreamed of the first day I heard him sing. The room was empty so I bustled around washing and changing.  
I'd just started brushing my hair as Adam walked in with drinks and a pot of pills rattling in his pocket. "So they put me on day release while the results come through. Fancy some shopping?" He asked cheerily.

A little too happily, he was back to a brave front for me as he stowed the pills into his jacket pocket. He was in full make up again, that was a good sign at least. So for now at least I would let him keep his secrets and followed along behind him sipping the sweet and bitter brew. Grouchily complaining about 16 hour shopping trips and swearing I was NOT getting a manicure or my hair done.

Knowing full well we more then liekly would do every single one of them. Barely four hours sleep had not improved my mood either as I let him drive us where ever we were going. My eyes starting to close again on the journey as he playing his 'Trespassing' album as we drove. His songs were the only thing that helped me sleep when things were tough.

I slipped within moments into a half doze as he sung softly along to the cd. Vanity listening to himself sing, I had always said. I knew though that he was always listening for ways to make them better, ways he could improve, hence the constant remixes.

Adam smirked as we pulled into the carpark, glad that his song still worked as medicene to my pains after all this time. He shook my shoulder carefully to drag me from my sleepy daze. "Come on angel, open those sleep eyes and come have some fun."

I slapped his hand away as I stretched and blinked. "BLoody shops." I murmoured.

I went to pick up my bag and got it firmly took off of me. "Who say that you need this, no phones and my treat!" To prove a point he threw his own phone in the glovebox. "This is a do not disterb day of Adam fueled fun and games!"

I snagged my glasses out of the bag and threw the rest under my seat away from view. "I am NOT carrying your bags, and I DO NOT need anything."

"Sure angel, I believe ya." He said leading me into his own personal paradise.

Two hours later, loaded up with a pile of bags of his and more then a few bags of new clothes for me as well. We collasped into a little Italien cafe, eatting pasta and drinking wine. I'd never been much of a drinker, so I was trying to take it slow, but he kept refilling my glass. I could start feeling a tipsy edge to my mind as I relaxed, digging deeply into my mushroom pasta. Laughing as he recounted tales of the last tour and the practical jokes they had played on each other.

Adam topped my glass up yet again with the last of the wine. Glad to finally see that knott of stress and worry unwinding in my shoulders. "You know I'm too stubborn to die right? You aren't lucky enough to get away from me that easily."

"I know baby!" I answered back drinking a little too deeply from the glass, "Just too me a bit aback."

He nodded, "You and me both. I thought we were done with this shit. We beat it once, we will beat it again!"

We toasted to that and finished the wine, before he paid and left a generous tip. Scooping up the bags, he left me standing a little unsteadily outside a huge bookstore. "Go and enjoy while I drop these back in the car. I know you will be in there ages, buy you anything you want."

I smiled and kissed his cheek. "Take your time, I won't even notice you are gone." I loved me my book shops, could stay in them all day. Little weird though as he usually steered me away from them, as they took up too much valuable shopping time.

As I walked away I missed Adam sinking down onto a bench behind me face screwed up with pain, breathing heavily. If only I had turned around, if only I had noticed sooner what agony he was in! Over the years he had grown better at hiding things from me, that I would always regret in the months to come.

When he recovered enough, he downed a handful of the pills the doctor had given him. "Six months." He murmered, "Better be a bloody good half a year then! Go out with a blast, on the ride of my life!".

As he packed the bags into the car, he reached into my bag and took out my debit cards. "And male sure those I love will be alright in the 'aftermath'" he pocketed the cards and snuck off towards his bank to arrange a number of wired transfers of funds into my accounts.

I had never taken a penny off of him over the years, never asked for anything when he had made it big and I had stayed behind for love. Sure he took me shopping now and then, but it had taken a lot of effort to even make me accept his gifts.

Now he was gonna make sure that I never wanted for anything ever again. He left the bank and checked the time, an hour had passed not too bad. He was pretty sure I would still be browsing my way down dark fantasy. So he swung into the jewellers and picked up the special order he had had commisioned for me and headed back towards the bookshop.

He found me exactly where he had expected, four books tucked under my arm and flicking through another. "Is that all you want?" He asked plucking them from my arms.

"Huh?" I asked turning, "Back already?"

"Its been an hour and a half sweetheart." He said kindly heading off to pay. He slipped a gift token for a large amount into the cover of one of the books for her to find later. He loved her kind heart, knowing he could buy her the whole shop if she wanted. It never crossed her mind to pick more then a couple of books. Such a warm heart, so loving and kind.

She was still flicking through the secondhand department when he came back to her. "Anything exciting?" He asked leaning against a counter trying to ignore the pain starting to root back behind his eyes.

"Nothing to match the 1961 reprint edition of 'The Midnight Folk' I found the other week." I commented.

"You and old books darling, let me buy you a kindle. It will be a lot easier for you." Adam joked, wondering if it was too soon to sneak a few more pills.

"A KINDLE!" I exploded, "A souless piece of fucking plastic! The damn things aren't even worthwhile as paper weights! Books should be made of paper, a tactile experience, the feel of the old pages under your fingers, the musty smell of old paper. The whole package that that piece of shit doesn't give you. Books don't run out of battery as the hound chases lord baskerville accross the moors. Or do they break if you drop them. And you sure as hell can't take a kindle into the bath with you?" I trailed off realising that he was laughing at me.

"Bastard!" I complained, hitting him and stalking off out of the shop. I knew he would follow me, I couldn't believe that I had suckered for that old joke yet again.

Sure enough five minutes later a leather clad arm dropped around my shoulder smelling good enough to eat and offering me a cinnamon pretzel."Forgive me sweetheart please, my sweet loving angel girl?" He asked, planting a kiss on my neck at JUST the spot he knew made me lose my mind.

"I will think about it!" I said biting my lip as the kisses trailed up and down my neck so seducively. I snatched the sweet pastry and took a big bite, I never refused suger.

I felt Adam sway slightly against my back, and wrapped my arm around his waist. "What's wrong hunni?!" I demanded, dragging him to sit down.

He looked like death, sweating, and pale. I handed him a bottle of water and watched as he slowly recovered and took some more drugs. "I'm fine angel, just a little tired." He promised.

"Bullshit Adam, you are a terrible liar and you are going straight back to hospital right now." I snapped.

"NO!" He shouted, "We are GOING to have a nice day out and that's that! I am NOT letting my health ruin this for either of us!"

I stared at him for long minutes before I spoke icily cold. "Adam when you are ready to let me in then call me. Until then GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

I turned on my heel and stormed away. The fresh air hit my face, cooling the tears I couldn't stop from falling. I threw the pastry in the bin and sunk to my knees sobbing in the flower beds outside, hiding myself from view.

I knew in my heart what was going on with him, the way he was acting there was only one answer. My baby was dying and he didn't know how to tell me. There was only one thought in my mind right now screaming into my exhausted brain...

I CANT LET YOU GO!


	6. Chapter 6

**I Can't Let You Go**  
**Chapter Six- A Happier Past**

**Authors Note: glad you are all still enjoying the flick, loving the reviews. For those who were asking, my Adam is feeling a bit better and a load of negative test results as well xx**

After the day in the woods, Adam walked me home as it was getting dark. We had hugged briefly and agreed to meet at the gates half an hour before class the next day. He seemed reluctant to leave, lingering extra moments in the embrace.

In all honesty I was reluctant to say goodbye myself. It had been a bloody long time since I had had a true friend to confide in and being with Adam just felt so damn easy and simple. We understood each other perfectly.

I sat up to the early hours of the next morning writing, so inspired by the wonderful day I had lived. I slept a handful of hours and got up again, showering. Humming that beautiful song of his as I did. I wasn't a morning person, I hated mornings. I was never chirpy and yet here I was, on almost no sleep excited and relaxed. Looking forward to actually going into class for a change, just to see him again.

What is wrong with you woman?! I asked myself as I took extra time and effort picking out todays outfit. I ditched the velvet shirt for once, feeling the heat in the room already. Picking out a short black summer goth dress with a ruffled skirt, high heeled spiked sandles (with flat shoes in my bag for when they destoryed my ankles). Covering my scarred arms with a pair of black net opera gloves thick enough to cover the marks, but light enough I wouldn't die in the heat.

Twisting my damp hair up into a tight braid to leave my neck cool, trying to do my make up as he had carefully instructed. It didn't look anywhere near as good as when he did it, but it was certainly better.

My phone chirped with a text message and I read it quickly.

"I was passing, fancy a doughnut?"

Grinning like a loon, I bounced down the stairs to the shock of my parents to see me in a good mood for once. Adam stood at the end of the drive looking as amazing as ever. Holding two cans of diet coke and a six pack of sugery goodness. "Ya just couldn't stay away then sexy?" I joked.

"Not from such wonderous perfection." He answered, handing me the drink and letting me pick a doughnut before shoving the box into his bag.

"Are we talking about me or you here Mr Vanity?" I asked as he slung an arm lazily around my shoulders.

"Oh ME of course!" He joked, "Seriously you look beautiful, still a little too much of the kohl though."

"I think that's just the dark circles from stay up all night." I answered, "Writers moment didn't wanna lose those thoughts."

"Yeah I noticed your light was on really late when I was walking." He commented as we crossed the road.

"Rough night baby?" I asked concerned.

"Yeah something like that, parents nagging me to apply for colleges and make something of myself. Or go in the army and get myself 'straightened out'." He answered sadly.

"Mine want me to get a 'real job' and be productive and forget my writing. If only they knew that I work two jobs, school and write already!" I commented.

"You work?" He asked surprised.

"Yeah the shit load of clothes I carry are my uniform. I barback thursday-sat at Lacies, and then sundays I work at the diner doubleshift. Fake I d rocks." I commented," and once a week I bunk off school for the afternoon to work the open mike event at Lacies. Usually a wednesday. Good tips on an open day, loads of people going through. Often there's a talent scout in, I know all of them. Ya should come sing one week, I could sneak you in."

"You work really hard, you are really set on leaving huh?" He asked, "I don't really sing in front of anyone. Infact you are the only person to ever hear me sing."

"Yeah I am set on leaving, but you." I shrugged.

"Me what?" He asked confused.

"You could always come with me, I mean if you wanted to." I said stumbling over my words.

"Where would we go?" He asked.

"New York, LA, does it matter if its not here? I got a few months rent saved up already. By prom I should have enough to keep me going at least six months, even longer if we shared rent." I blushed.

"You really want me to come with you?" He asked carefully trying to not show how much those simple words meant to him.

I shrugged, "Maybe there is something in this place I would miss when I leave. And you could work on your writing and so could I. I could find us jobs and stuff, we'd be okay."

"You really trust me so much? You hardly know me!" He said starting to tear up.

"Well not as if you are gonna try anything is it? Not unless I have a massive sex operation! I like you, a lot. I can't imagine a day without you in my life." Oh god what am I syaing? I wondered to myself.

"I'll come." He said as we got to the gate.

I smiled, "Thank you, see you at lunch."

"I promise, he said kissing my hair before he left.

But that promise wasn't kept to.

I got to my spot and he wasn't there. Strange, because he normally got there before I did. Maybe he was late? Trying to shake off the cold dread crawling up my spine. I tried to write, but I couldn't consentrate. Constantly checking the crowd for a sight of that tall sexy frame.

Then a jock came past me sneering. "Hey Vampira, where's your little fag servant? Missing your little lost puppy are we?"

That was it, the sick feeling grew in my stomach. This was revenge for me helping that kid. They wanted to teach me a lesson and when they had seen us both cutting class they had taken it out on him.

Head spinning I ran through the quiet halls searching for any sign of him. I found a smashed lipstick case on the floor outside his last classroom. Oh god what had happened to him?

As I passed by the male bathroom I heard crying, only faintly but it was enough to make me double back to check. Sure it was the boys bathroom, but I didn't care not if he was there.

I hovered outside a few moments toying with the idea of going in or not. Then I thought screw it and made the plunge inside. There seemed to be no one inside, the crying had stopped as the foor had openned. "Adam?" I called quietly, "Please tell me you are here!"

I heard someone moving in one of the stalls. "Don't come in I'm fine." He said, "Just go back to class and I will be there in a while."

"Adam you missed lunch. I know those arseholes attacked you, now come and show me the damage." I demanded.

Slowly and stiffly he moved into sight, I gasped. His lip was split, one cheek bruised and starting to purple under his swollen eye. There was a deep gasp in his arm, his shirt sleeve slashed and tattered. He moved like his ribs were all bruised as well. Gravel rash and slighgt cuts all over his body.

"I'm going to kill them!" Were my first thoughts.

I didn't realise I had spoke aloud until he shook his head at me. "They have been looking for an excuse to beat on the queer for years. This wasn't your fault."

My gloves I stripped off my arms, and I hgunted through my bag for my first aid kit. "Think you can make it to one of the classromms so I can patch you up?" I asked, "More private and clean then here."

"I'm okay, just don't let me be seen like this." He commented.

Checking the hall I snuck him over to the old music room, never used this time of year and locked the door behind us. I stripped his shirt off in one smooth movement and started to wipe away the mess of the cut arm. The gash was deep very deep. "You need stitches." I commented.

"I don't think the hospital will take kindly to two kids turning up with a knife wound without a thousand questions!" He commented.

"Who said anything about needing to go there?" I commented, fishing a small bottle of dark spiced rum from my bag. "Drink some of that."

"Where did you get this?" He asked, drinking deeply. He noticed the bottle was open and the level was lower then it should be. "How much do you drink?" He asked worried.

"As much as I need to, and from work of course. Told ya I have fake I d it gets me everything I need." I took the bottle back and poured a little onto a clean cloth, before handing it back. "Drink more." I warned, waiting for him to obey before I held the cloth to the wound to make sure it was as clean as possible.

"Fucking hell woman!" He bitched, swigging with a lot more interest now.

"Oh shut the whining, I need you drunk enough to not feel the stitches." I snapped, threading the needle with some strong fishing line. Dipping the needle into the rum to clean it, before starting to sew his arm up neatly. Taking in the dozens of other scars as I did so crossing his whole upper arm. This kid had really wanted to die at some point with how deep the wounds where. I wondered faintly if he still did.

"Where did you learn to do that?" He asked, a definate slur to his voice now.

"Hospital after the rape, I was locked up over a year in a mental ward. The inmates were always cutting themselves, I got to learn and see a lot of things with the nurses." I commented as I worked, "I didn't need to be there, but my parents they thought I did. Convinced I was sick in the head and lying about the rape, until the DNA proof came out and the witnesses."

"Sarah, you don't deserve all the shit you get. You were born to fly free of this cage we are trapped in. You deserve to be happy, loved and safe!" He said tiredly.

"Shhh now drunk." I answered as I tied the thread and set about cleaning and checking his other wounds as he slipped in and out of awareness. Probing his half naked body carefully.

"Wanna scream out, no more hiding. Don't be afriad of what's inside. Wanna tell ya, you'll be alright in the aftermath." He murmered.

"New song?" I asked, bathing the sore eye.

"Wrote it for you last night, cause of everything you went through. Wanted you to know that I will always be by your side when you need a friend." He smiled.

"You really are the perfect man you know. Caring, kind, compassionate, loving, adoreable, beautiful. Can you just NOT be gay please!" I laughed.

"I'd change for you if I could angel, you mean everything to me." He whispered, kissing my cheek before finally passing out from the rum and pain.

"I love you too Adam." I answered just as quietly. Sitting there waiting, thinking while he slept and recovered. Trying to find an answer to the problem of him keep being beaten and bullied for being gay.

And then the answer hit me all of a sudden as I swigged from the nearly empty rum bottle. He needed a girlfriend as a cover story for his real relationships. In that moment I knew that that cover story was going to be me as long as he needed it to be.


	7. Chapter 7

**I Can't Let You Go**  
**Chapter Seven- Bottom of the Bottle Hits**

I could hear Adam shouting for me, but I didn't answer him. I needed to think, I needed some air to try and process this new data. What he clearly wasn't telling me and how to deal with it before I put my poker face back on. I was so angry at him for pushing himself still when he was far too sick to be out and about. He needed rest and medical care, but that wasn't his style. When he spoke of one good day, it felt like the last that we would ever have. I shouldn't stand that!

I watched as Adam moved back towards the shopping centre and I pulled my keys from my jacket pocket, checking I still had his spare car key on the chain. I crossed quickly to the car, openning it to remove my handbag, relocking it and finding my way out of the carpark on foot.

My shopping bags forgotten in my hurry. All I wanted to do was escape and not to be found for a very long time. I caught a train back into town and dropped my stuff back home. My mobile had two dozen missed calls from him and as I opened the door my house phone rang.

I ignored it as it slipped to VM, the machine could cope with it all today. The world could go to hell for all I cared. I heard the machine kick in, "Sarah please god just pick up, I am worried sick! Just let me know you are okay. You left without a word, I know you are upset. I shouldn't have shouted, I'm a monster, I'm so sorry. I will tell you everything. Just PLEASE pick up the damn phone. I'd die if you were hurt because of me. Angel please please please ring me." I could hear he was crying.

He would be at the door soon I knew it and he had a key as well. The wine still running in my veins left me with only one single idea. I pulled my phone and purse from my bag and slammed out of the room. It wasn't often I crumbled and let myself be weak, but SCREW IT now! Let's get wasted! Forget all this god damn pain and worry for a few short hours. And maybe find myself some 'sweet company' to take my mind off all of this shit.

Within minutes I was in one of the more seedy local bars, one where hopefully it would take the sparklebat a few hours to find me. By then I would be too damn drunk to give a shit what he said. The way I was knocking back those rum and cokes, there was hardly any doubt that it would be 'kickin in' way too soon.

The fourth glass was down my throat before the first had even touched my blood stream, but when it did. Boy did it hit! With the four glasses of red wine still in my system my legs were starting to feel very wobbly by now, but boy did it feel good. My phone was ringing in my pocket, Adam yet again. I clicked accept. "What now?!" I snapped.

"Oh god Sarah, I thought... Never mind what I thought, are you okay? Where are you? Let me come get you?." He begged.

"Go fuck yourself Lambert, I never want to speak to you again!" I slurred.

"Are you drunk?" Adam asked in surprise, I never got drunk and usually only because he had kept buying me drinks.

"Oh what a wonderful observation dickhead. My best friend, the man I love is dying and being a shithead about it to me. So yeah I thought I'd take a leaf out of your therapy book for once and blot the world out!" I bitched.

"Which bar? I'm going to come and get you." He asked.

"Nowhere you would ever think of looking for me. Piss off sparkles I don't need any more of your lying bullshit!" I was getting more bitter by the second, as he crashed my drunken high.

Pause on the other end of the phone. "I'm sorry beloved, I truely am." Then he disconnected and I started at the phone long moments before I shoved it back in my pocket.

A guy breezed over to me, tall, dark, dressed smartly, very nice bodywork. "Bad day sugar?" He crooned in a sexy New Orleans accent. That voice, long hair tied back and stacked like that I melted. "Can I help relieve a little of that tension?" He whispered in my ear.

I raised an eyebrow and smiled. "I think something can easily be arranged."

Taking his hand as he took me to the dance floor, unsteady on my feet I clung to him as we danced slowly. It felt so damn good, been so long since anyone had touched me in that way. Since anyone had made me feel special after all the shit with the stalking ex.

The guy kissed down my neck, it was so clear he was only after one thing, but right now I wanted that as badly as he did. I leaned up and kissed those soft plump lips, he resisted barely a moment and then kissed me back with just as much passion. Not caring that we were in the middle of the dance floor and in full view of the world. Me not knowing that Adam had found me and was watching witha mixture of shock, horror, worry and disappointment at my current actions.

As soon as he realised that I was trying to hide, he'd started to hit all the most sleezy bars in town looking for me. Not as if I was hiding very well making such a specticle of myself almost making out with a guy in public. He thought about pulling us apart, but decided to let it run its course and see how much or little control I had left.

Adam ordered a beer and settled in at the bar to make sure that I didn't get hurt. He hated himself for pushing me to this, hating how much pain he was causing me. At least I had good taste in men, he had to admit that. He had gained more then one taste of that sweet ass, and he knew that I was going to have the time of my life.

On the dancefloor we were getting hotter and heavier. The kisses steaming up to the point a low moan escaped my lips. I wanted this and god did I NEED this to blot out everything in my head right now. I just wanted to experience an emotion that wasn't negative for just a moment!

There's no time for us  
There's no place for us  
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us  
Who wants to live forever  
Who wants to live forever  
There's no chance for us  
Its all decided for us  
This world only has one sweet moment  
Set aside for us.

Oh god, it had to be that song didn't it! Something else to remind me about Adam dying. I buried my head in the mystery mans shoulder. "Are you okay beautiful?." He asked stroking his hands down my spine so gently it brought a gasp from my lips. "Do you want me to stop?" He whispered.

"Never, don't ever stop." I murmered.

The man smiled, and pulled me away from the dancefloor. I never even noticed we walked right past an even more disappointed Adam. I was dragged behind the bar into the back room, and upstairs to a lavish bedroom. "I own the club." He whispered, "It has its perks when pretty customers arrive. I'm Seb."

"Sarah." I answered as his fingers tangled in my hair. All of a sudden his lips were the only thing I could consentrate on as they crushed themselves to mine. His tongue darting inside my mouth. "Oh god." I murmered as he slid his hand down the front of my jeans rubbing me so seductivly.

"Oh I will make you moan louder then that yet, my sweet." He promised.

"Do it!" I breathed, pulling his shirt off to get at that sexy chest to kiss it as the hand slid further into my jeans. I knew this was wrong, I didn't do 'easy loving', that was Adam's style not mine. I had never slept with or kissed anyone I didn't love. But need, that was what was driving me tonight. An overwhelming desire to be touched, needed, loved.

We both started stripping frantically, this was hot and steamy and we both wanted it so badly. Seb slammed me back onto the bed, holding me down as he kissed down my neck and chest. He was so stiff already, I could feel him pressing into me. I tried to pleasure him as well, but he held me down too tightly.

Nipping accross my toned stomach my moans growing louder by the moment. Then all thought just slipped away as his tongue met my sensative, desperate clit and suckling away. My hands now free tangled in his hair as he pulled me closer, dipping his tongue inside of me. Tempting me into the heights of perfect insanity. My moans growing louder and more desperate, I didn't know how much more of this I could take as the waves of passion swept over me. I needed him inside of me, I needed a release.

Just as I was on the edge of exploding he pulled away to cover himself and return with hot feverish kisses on my lips as I pulled him closer. He slipped his tip accross me, I gripped his shoulder blades tightly, eyes closing as my barren areas felt the pleasure surging once more.

He pushed into me roughly, "How do you like it baby?" He asked kissing my neck. He moved so gently in and out of me I had to bite my lip to stop from screaming. "Let it out!" He teased, pulling out slowly to drive in so much deeper just as erotically. "I want to hear you scream."

"Keep doing that and I won't have a choice." I gasped kissing him hungrily.

"Oh really?" He smiled, continuing to seduce me, his lips slipping down to suck on my nipple.

"Oh Lord!" I growled, trying to hold on still. I had no hope as he touched me just the right way and I saw stars as I screamed his name. He wasn't far behind me moaning as he found what he needed as well.

We lay there long moments in each others arms breathing heavily in the aftermath of some of the best sex I had ever had. He kissed my neck, "Did I take your sad away baby?" He asked.

I smiled kissing him again, "You helped a lot." Stroking his face stealing as many kisses as I could.

"I am always here if you are ever in need." He laughed.

"Sounds good to me." As we carried on kissing.

Sometime later I came back to the bar, dressed, my make up and hair now fixed to order two more drinks. Downing one fast, and sipping the other more slowly. I had slightly lost my drunken edge, it was still damn hard to think or even walk, but I needed a lot more before I could face Adam and my cold lonely awaiting bed. I hated to think what he would think of my unsteady state of mind.

As I finished the drink I found another placed in my hands. "Since when did you start 'don't think just drink', and casual sex with hot strangers?" Adam asked quietly, "Turning into a female me?"

"FUCK!" I murmered, "How did you find me?" I swigged at the drink, it was suitably strong almost making me choke. The boy did know his drinks I had to admit, this was one to sip very slowly if I didn't want to pass out.

"You were hiding, so I started at the place you were least likely to be and started working my way backwards. Can we talk please?" He asked.

"There's nothing to talk about and I am kinda busy here." I huffed.

"At what?" Adam demanded, "Finding another young stud to bed? That's nothing compaired to what we have!"

"What we HAD! And you fucked that today, I am so sick of you blocking me out and you running away when things get tough." I snapped.

"Oh shit." Adam muttered hearing the start of a tune in the background, taking my arm to try and lead me outside before I noticed.

I pulled away, confused. "What's going on?" Then it hit me.

Steel to my trembling lips  
How did the night ever get like this?  
One shot and the whisky goes  
Down down down  
Bottom of the bottle hits  
Waking up my mind as I throw a fit  
The breakin is taking me  
Down down down

Tears on my face as the song hit me, I hated it. I always remembered why it had been written. What message it had been used for. A suicide note in verse and I had almost not made it in time. Sober I could barely tolerate it, but drunk?

I slammed the whole cocktail down in one and shoved passed everyone onto the street before I had my melt down. On top of everything else those lines broke me. In the night air the drink slammed into me as the tears fell. I felt sick, my head spinning.

Then he was there wrapping his arms around me, kissing me, calming me down. In my distressed state I never even realised that we were actually kissing on the lips not the cheek or hair as we always had. "I'm never gonna leave you, I promise baby." He sobbed as we kissed.

Damn could that boy kiss, he always had been able to. Those soft lips both relaxing and exciting me. As we stood there in the pouring rain in each others arms. So long we had waited for this moment.

After that everything became a little blurry from the alchole as he called a cab and took me home. Undressing me carefully and sliding me into bed. While he took the couch incase I needed him. I faintly recall having a nightmare of him dying and waking up screaming. Adam was there again calming me, taking away the pain with those wonderful sweet kisses.

When I finally woke late the next afternoon I found caffine, pain killers and a note on the bedside table. I chugged the pills and drink eagerly my head fit to explode before I turned the paper over. There were just three words written there, three heart stopping words.

Its stomach cancer...


	8. Chapter 8

**I Can't Let You Go**  
**Chapter 8- Angel of Music**

Sarah woke up, head cuddled up on Adam's chest, sun streaming through the window of his bed room. Last night I hadn't paid that much attention to their surroundings. I had just dragged the goth's wasted ass up the stairs glad that his parents were away for the weekend and the house was empty. I really didn't want to have to explain why we were both there or why he was off his face.

I had fully intended to leave the second he was settled into bed, but after all of the pouts, begs and drunken sobs I had given up and agreed to stay the night incase he needed me. I slept on top of the covers fully dressed, but at somepoint clearly Adam had thrown a blanket over me as I woke wrapped up warmly.

Feeling around for my phone, it was midday, time had flown by and I had slept far later then usual. My sleep was always very disterbed, full of nightmares, and yet being with him had made me feel safe enough to finally rest. That was a strange thought I would need to analyse later on. A few hours and soon I'd be heading off to work for the late barback shift.

Sneaking off to the bathroom quietly to shower and change, I thought about Adam's room and his life. The boy had nothing but his guitars, music and lyric books. Two huge wardrobes and make up boxes. There wasn't a single personal object in the room. Not a letter, nor a photograph.

All he did have was an almost OCD level of tidiness that made it almost look like a show home. Even the papers on his desk were stacked with an ordered chaos to them. It was so sad that he didn't have anything in his life, but his music and now me. I wanted so much more for then then that. He deserved far more then that!

Stacking my stuff back in my bag, I headed back to check on 'sleeping beauty', he was gone now and the black satin sheeted bed made perfectly. I could smell food downstairs and followed my nose.

Adam was just serving up pancakes with bacon and maple syrups as I came in the door. "Morning my angel of mercy." He greeted warmly, by the way he was nursing his black coffee I could tell he was pretty hung over.

"Erm what are you doing?" I asked confused, this all looked way too date like to me.

"Making you brunch, figured it was the least I could do after all the kindness you showed fixing me up and looking after me all night. " He answered, slipping a bitter hot chocolate into my hands.

I sipped it nervously, sighing in happiness. The boy knew his chocolate as well as I did. That was just the right mix of bitter and sweet. I inched myself onto the work surface top to sit and watch him fry the last few pieces of bacon. "You didn't have to." I answered.

"Neither did you." He retorted, slapping my fingers with a spatula as I tried to steal bacon bits out of the pan. "What are your plans for what's left of the day?"

"I gotta work 5 til 11, then..." I stumbled, "I kinda have a date."

"Oh really, dish all the nasty details right now." Adam enfused.

I blushed, "A guy from work, he's tall, short dark hair, kinda cut, works out a lot. A little mainstream for me, but we flirt a lot at work and he asked me to go to a party with him."

"So what's the problem?" He asked reading between the lines, "You should be happier then this surely?"

"Apart from those rapes, I've never done anything with a guy, not even kissed and I'm a little nervous to how my body will react to it or if I would be rubbish. I might just tell him I don't feel well." I replied.

Adam dumped the bacon into a dish and placed it on the table, reaching up to help my short assed frame from the counter. "There's nothing to be scared of okay?"

I looked at him dubiously as I slid down his body to the floor, "Okay."

As he lifted me, Adam pulled me in close and our lips met in a soft and tender embrace. I resisted and tried to pull back, shocked by his actions. "Relax." He whispered, trying again.

I had to admit the hot guy kissing me, gay or not was certainly pushing my buttons the right way. I found my arms wrapping around him, melting slowly into the kiss. Time just slipped away from us as the embrace lingered on, nothing seemed to exist but the two of us. Seemed like hours later when he finally pulled away, leaving me breathless and blushing. "See was that so bad?" He asked, stroking my cheek.

I smiled, "Nah I guess not."

Adam hugged me, "Good now, come and eat missy."

Still blushing like crazy I sat and quietly dug into my pancakes. A little charred, but on the whole nice, it was easy to see that he really didn't cook much. Just enough to muddle through, it was sweet he cared enough to cook for me though. I ate quickly and silently, nodding politely as he talked about music.

He stared at Sarah as he cleared the table. "Did I ruin things between us? I just didn't want you to be scared anymore and you did say you trust me."

"You didn't ruin anything baby, I promise that." I lent up and kissed his cheek, "I gotta go baby, come see me at work?"

"I can't, some of us don't have fake I'd like you!" Adam groaned.

I whipped a card out of my bag and read it off. "Adam Mitchell Lambert, born 29th Jan 1979, age 21, legal to drink in all 50 states. Just stick your photo on it."

"How?!" Adam exclaimed snatching the card, it was flawless in every way, you couldn't tell it wasn't real.

"Don't ask cause I can't tell, but how else was I gonna get you in for open mike night?" I laughed.

He hugged me jump up and down, "This is so SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTT! You have to help me pick what song when I'm all healed up!"

"I promise baby, I promise." I hugged him back and headed home to get ready for work.

X. X. X. X. X. X. X

Adam snuck into the bar about ten pm, dressed in all his fine leather and looking sexy as hell. I nodded as I served his a far more generous whisky then I really should have. He floated off to the dance floor and I carried on working. It was a damn busy night tonight. The graveyard 11-4am shift had been called in early to help with the crowd. Many more people and we would get shut down for being over crowded.

The band was going at it full tilt rocking out. They were pretty good one of my favourites, a mixture of covers from Bon Jovi, Slade, Bryan Adams, Meatloaf and Queen. I was bouncing up and down the bar serving and singing to myself, enjoying the evening completely.

When my shift ended my guy wasn't ready yet, so I told him I was gonna go see my best friend until he was ready. He kissed my cheek and promised to be there soon. I soon found myself dancing my skinny jeaned ass over to Adam and boy boy did we rock it on the dancefloor. As I was belting along to summer of 69 as they played it, one of my favourite songs ever. This night just got better and better.

Adam was singing along with me, as songs rolled by we both loved. I wanted to stay there forever! "You never told me that you can sing!" Adam commented as the set ended.

I blushed flouriously, "I can't, I was just goofing around."

"Bullshit you have a voice like a horny angel." He answered winking as we both thought of the Meatloaf song.

I slapped him playfully, and noticed my honey in the crowd. I went to go after him until I realised he was leaving with and getting fresh with another girl. "Fucking bastard!" I snapped.

"That's your date?" Adam asked.

"Seems not now!" I snarled, looking at me being all dressed up for nothing.

"Then let me make the evening special to us both beloved." He offered disappearing.

I lost him in the crowd, when he came back he passed me a rum and coke. "Drink it quickly." He warned.

I eyed him nervously, as they started off the late night kari oki sessions. The idea slowly dawning on me. "Oh no." I murmered.

"First tonight are Adam and Sarah, with 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light.' Where are you pair?" The DJ called.

"I fucking hate you!" I snapped, downing the strong drink in one.

"You love the song, I know you knwo the words." He answered.

"I still fucking hate you bastard, I don't sing in public!" I complained.

"You will be epic!" Adam promised, kissing me on the lips.

"Damn that's distracting from being mad at you." I complained.

He kissed me again, a little more lingeringly, "Wanna come rock with me?"

I nodded and followed him onto the stage, all those people. I glanced at the bar, going very pale. I backed off a long step. Adam snatched my hand, "Calm its okay, I'm here. You have done far worse then this.". He pulled the mikes from the stands and handed me one, keeping complete eye contact with me the whole time. Holding my hand still as the song started and he began to sing.

I remember every little thing  
As if it happened only yesterday  
Parking by the lake  
And there was not another car in sight  
And I never had a girl  
Looking any better than you did  
And all the kids at school  
They were wishing they were me that night

Thankfull I only started with backing vocals and the odd line I choked my way through. Then we hit the middle piece and oh dear odin he was going for full athenticness as he started almost making out with me on stage. Those deep kisses, staged or not were doing very naughty things to me and my blood pressure as I counted notes. Barely able to consentrate at all.

I grabbed the front of his coat and hurled him backwards making him stagger off to one side of the stage in his heeled boots, launching into the main piece.

Stop right there  
I gotta know right now  
Before we go any further

Do you love me  
Will you love me forever  
Do you need me  
Will you never leave me  
Will you make me so happy  
For the rest of my life  
Will you take me away  
And will you make me your wife  
Do you love me  
Will you love me forever  
Do you need me  
Will you never leave me  
Will you make me so happy  
For the rest of my life  
Will you take me away  
And will you make me your wife

I gotta know right now  
Before we go any further  
Do you love me  
Will you love me forever

The first time was a little shakey, but by the repeat I didn't give a fuck as I stood there demanding to know the truth and shouting I could wait all night! The only thing that mattered right then was me, Adam and the music and it felt god damn amazing!

Rocking it the fuck out together, I never even realised when the song rolled to the next one seamlessly and we slammed into "Dead Ringer For Love", just carried on in step with him the whole way.

Rock 'n roll and brew, rock 'n roll and brew  
They don't mean a thing when I compare 'em next to you  
Rock 'n roll and brew, rock 'n roll and brew  
I know that you and I oh we got better things to do  
I don't know who you are or what you do, or where you go when you're not around  
I don't know anything about you baby, but you're everything I'm dreaming of  
I don't know who you are, but you're a real dead ringer for love  
A real dead ringer for love

Strutting accross that stage the both of us as if we owned it. Not a sound could be heard from anywhere else in the bar, when we ended the second song and I came back to myself realising what I had just done as the crowd cheered.

We took our bow and Adam led me off the stage. "Are we having fun yet?" He asked smiling at me.

I beamed at him, "That was bloody amazing!" I'd caught the spotlight bug and caught it damn bad. My soul was lost now, and I didn't care.

"Then we should do mike night together." He asked holding his hand out, "Partners?"

I hesitated a second, then took his hand. "Partners, forever."


	9. Chapter 9

**I can't let you go**

**Chapter Nine:**  
**How did the night ever get like this?**

**Authors note: thanks as always for the wonderful reviews, always cheer me up. Love ya all, esp my regulars. You know who you all are. Big smooches.**

Days passed by in a blur, I kept dialing Adam every spare second I had, but got no answer. I must have left a million voicemails, texts and emails getting steadily more aggressive in tone as time went by. I was going out of my mind with worry since the note.

Then I found all the extra money in my account. I text him about that too, and that I got an answer back about. Just simply 'A gift to my beloved Angel of music." Nothing more, so I knew he was getting every message, was just too cowardly to answer me back.

I concidered returning the money, it felt so wrong. I never took stuff from him. He must have known what I was thinking, next thing I knew a second text came through. "You do deserve it and it is yours for a better way of life. The life I can't give you now, I wish I could. I'm sorry baby."

I drifted through the work day hardly able to concentrate on anything anymore. The boss came in bitching about something stupid as usual. Ordering me to do loads of overtime or else, snapping me slightly from my daze. "No." I said softly.

"If you don't do it, then I will fucking fire you!" She ranted.

"You know what, my best friend is probabley dying of cancer, I don't give a fuck about your boiler needing replacing, or your toilet needing fixing so you need two weeks off work. I am SO SICK of covering for you all the time, but when I need time off never getting it!" I pulled my I'd badge from my shirt and slammed it on the desk with my shop key. "You can't fire me, I quit!" I snapped, grabbing my bag.

"You can't quit, you need the money! Don't expect to come crawling back and I will give you your job back." She retorted.

"Not anymore I don't, you can take your shitty job and your bad attitude and shove it up your ASS!" I shouted. Turning to see the othert workers clapping me. I took a mock bow and went home. Damn it felt good to be free of that fucking hellhole job!

It was late and dark when I finally got home in the bad traffic. All I wanted to do was take a long hot soak in the bath, and to relax with some candles, a good book and some rum. To try and blot out all the shit and how I felt just for a few hours so I could rest and forget that my world was falling apart.

I checked my vm, no new messages yet again. I wished Adam would just call me. For all I knew he was back in hospital ill. I'd not even been able to keep up with him on twitter as he hadn't posted on there for days, which was very unlike him.

Flicking through several days mail I hadn't bothered to check, I found something in his handwriting. "SHIT!", I tore it open so fast I sliced my hand on the paper, sucking the blood from it as I went. A concert ticket fell out, with a post it note on it in hot pink. "Please." The concert was tonight and the other side of town, by the time I could get there it would be half over.

I slammed out of the house, and into a cab. By the time I got there I knew the venue wouldn't let me in. So I lurked through my purse for my old I'd card. Flashing my access all areas staff pass from when I'd toured with Adam a little while, at the bouncer, I headed back stage to see what was going on.

Tommy was stood back stage watching Adam singing 'Underneath' as the girl guitarests rocked out with him. He looked upset and bored, until he heard me. "Sarah!" He exclaimed hugging me, "Long time no see babygirl, you coming back to the gang soon?"

I hugged him back tightly, "Missed you too kittykat, how's he holding up?"

Tommy pushed me towards the edge of the stage, "See for yourself!"

The guy was way past wasted, stumbling around the stage, mixing the words up and acting like a total arsehole. I cracked my knuckles, "I'm going to fucking kill him, I'm gonna kick his damn ass into the middle of next week."

The song ended and the first few bars of 'Fever' started up, Tommy had to go back out there. "He need sit sugar, please for us, kick it hard."

I waited through the rest of the act and the encore, talking to the security and various band members as they passed to get all the stuff I had missed. Getting steadily more angry at the fucking idiot. Planning out every single way that I could kill him. They were getting steadily more graphic as the night rolled by.

Finally they all trooped off stage and sparkles was still stood there waving and smiling at the crowd. He pounded out back in the end grinning broadly. "LETS GET WASTED!" He shouted to the band, not seeing me stood behind him.

Deathly silence from the band as they stood waiting for me to attack. He looked confused, "What?! Come on guys its time to PAR TAY!"

"Guess again sucker!" I said icily, grabbing the back of his neck and slamming his head into the wall several times. "You and me are going to have a very long talk about what is going off in your head." Slamming his head into the wall again one last time for good measure.

Adam stood woozily when I let him go. "Hey Sarah, fancy a drink? I wanna have some fun tonight!"

I glared at him and slapped him hard around the back of the head, grabbing his ear and dragging him outside for some privacy. Him whining and bitching the whole time. I threw him against his car bonnet so he went sprawling. "Are you mad at me Sarah? Is that why you didn't come?" He asked softly.

"This is all because I missed the concert? You making a drunken fool out of yourself? You will ruin your career like that!" I snapped, "I haven't been home in days hardly, working 14 hour shifts all week. Soon as I found the letter I came running, just like I always do!"

"I don't have a singing career anymore." Adam mumbled, "That's all over in a few weeks time. I lost everything I cared about, even you."

My blood ran cold, "Adam, you are scaring me! You leave me that fucking note telling me you have cancer. Then you vanish off the face of the planet and won't return my calls. Jeeze Adam, what are you trying to do to me? I've been going out of my damn mind here. I quit my job, couldn't stop worrying about you. Been drinking myself to sleep just to try to escape the nightmares of losing you. For fucks sake let me IN! Tell me what's going on! Let me help you!" I screamed.

Adam sighed, "They gave me six months to live."

I choked back a sob, my hand flying to my mouth as if to hold back the flood of emotions. My head was spinning, my baby really was going to die. I had wondered for a long while, but to hear him say the words brought a terrifying grim reality to it all. "When, when did they tell you that?" I sobbed.

"Six weeks ago, so I've got about four months left. They say the last two months its doubtful that I will be well enough to leave the hospital." He answered dully.

Adam reached out to touch my arm, but I pulled back from the touch. "Were you gonna tell me?" I snapped, "Or let me find out when I had a funeral to attend to?!"

"I wanted to, but I couldn't. I thought somehow if I didn't talk about it then it wouldn't be real." He sighed, "I'm sorry please forgive me. I don't have long left and I can't do this without you baby." Adam tackle hugged me to try and comfort my icy cold shaking frame. "Its so clear now, that you are all I have." He sung to me.

"That's Snowpatrol, not one of yours." I murmered calming a little.

"I know, but its one of your favourites and it fits." Adam said stroking my back.

I buried my head into his shoulder, trying not to cry. I had to be strong, I had to find my inner core of steel. Somehow! I had to be what he needed right now, reguardless of how I felt. Wiping my eyes, "Go get changed baby, we are going out."

"Are we?" He asked surprised.

"You wanted to go have some fun and get drunk, so I'm not gonna leave you to do that all alone. Two months of reasonable health, we better make every fucking second of it count. Tomorrow when we both sober up, we are going to your doctors because I wanna know everything. And you my dear are going to fucking fight it every single moment! OR ELSE! You never let me give up, when I had..." I broke off crying.

"When you had breast cancer." He finished, "I know baby, I won't give up I promise."

"They could be wrong, they told me I had a year. And last week I got my five year all clear." I answered.

"Come on, let's get you out of them crappy work clothes." Adam crooned, wrapping his arm around me to lead me back inside.

I looked down shocked, I had totally forgotten in my panic to get here to get changed. "Oh my god, the whole band saw me in a pastle pink suit and a shirt! My image is ruined for good now! They will think I'm a god damn normal. And fucking hell, pink make up too!"

Adam laughed, "We will fix it I promise my love."


	10. Chapter 10

**I Can't Let You Go**  
**Chapter 10**  
**"Will you be mine?"**

**Authors note: for those getting confused and not keeping up with the chapters. YES Adam is at school with Sarah, and YES Adam is in the hospital and touring. The cancer and the tour is the PRESENT, and at school is in the PAST. We rotate one chapter of each. Thank you. **

**Also thank you as usual to my regular reviewers and to Rose for the latest parcel of sugar, adam lambert dvds and note books. Love ya boo xx**

Monday morning rolled by, I'd been exhausted the night before from my double shift and I hadn't answered my phone when Adam text me. I slept late and had to rush to school. Missing a couple of lessons even so.

Saturday night was still preying on my mind, I couldn't stop thinking about the kisses we had shared. How alive they had made me feel, how much I wanted to experience them again. How desperate I was for that man's gentle touch.

The penny finally dropped, I was in love with him, but it wasn't a love like any I had ever experienced before. It was deeper, richer, full of life and all consuming passion. He was gay, what the hell was wrong with me! Talk about falling for the wrong guy, the one you could never have!

I had to pull away from him and do it NOW! Before I fell any deeper, I had to leave this friendship for my own sake. I couldn't take another heartache, I'd never survive another loss like that. The abusive relationship I hadn't recovered from had blackened and charred my mind and soul. I had almost completely broken back then, I knew that this boy would doom me. That he would break my heart, and that it was going to kill me.

I saw Adam in the corrider ahead of me, he turned and smiled. I didn't react, just turned the other way and hurried off. He looked hurt, but I couldn't care less about that right now. I had to think of myself and no one else if I was ever going to survive.

I didn't go outside at lunch, I knew that he would want to talk and I couldn't handle that right now. I went and hid in the library until well after he would have gone to class knowing that I would get another tardy myself, but it would be safer then seeing him.

As the last bell for class rang, I scuttled along the corrider to see Adam being slammed into a locker door over and over again. "Oh God!" I murmered, I needed to walk away. I had to leave him to his punnishment, I couldn't save him without damning myself.

I tried to take a couple of steps away from here, trying to ignore the blood starting to trickle down his cheek. I caught sight of him starting straight as me. "Please." He mouthed. I wasn't sure if he meant please help or please run.

As I walked away all I could think about was all the fun we had had together, how perfect our friendship was, how easy. How miserable Adam's life was. Could I really be selfish enough to take away the only light he had in his life just because I had a bunch of stupid mixed up feelings and emotions?

Could I condemn him back to sitting apart, being alone all the time, picked on and abused with nothing but his music, a knife and a bottle to go back to after school? The over riding loneliness that destoryed your soul completely everytime your bedroom door closed and you just knew the whole world had abandioned you.

All my nights of crying, broken and alone. Then Adam had helped to make me a better person. He had held me and helped me through the pain, making me a stronger and more confident woman. I could phone him at 4am if I had had a nightmare, and I often did. He would be there for me, no questions asked and no grouching. He would just be there to talk to me, to calm me down and stay on the phone singing to me until I fell asleep again.

Adam was my everything, my best friend, the man that I was always going to love even when I hated him. There was nothing I could do to stop that now, not even if I wanted to. That man and his devilish smile had stolen my heart and my head.

I turned around to look back at the bullies, they were shouting at him to admit that he was a raging fag. That they were gonna kill him for liking 'ass'. I knew if he admitted they would put him in the hospital, if he didn't they would do the same. So he kept silent protecting his secret knowing he was damned either way.

I couldn't do it, I couldn't condemn him to this hateful hellish life. I would rather damn my own heart and soul then see my boo suffering like this. I slammed over to the jock and slammed his head into the locker door next to Adam's. "What the fuck is going on here? How DARE you touch ny boyfriend!" I snapped, "I will kick your fucking asses for this! Messing up my boy's pretty face."

The jocks just stared at me as I helped Adam up and checked him over. He has staring open mouthed at me. "I don't believe it goth kitty, you are just trying to save your fag renfield!" He snapped.

"Oh really? FINE I will prove it." I snapped my head up and pulled Adam's down to mine kissing him with the firey passion of the stage kissed we had shared. My face flushing from the feverish contact, giving it all the authenticity for proof for these arseholes.

"Freak and Mrs Freak sitting on a herse. G. First comes Dracula and then Vampira, then a host of bats in a baby carriage!" The jock snarled.

"Jealous much? I think you protest too much. Maybe you are the one who speaks 'fag' here and not my babyboy?" I snapped.

I pulled Adam away, and into the library out of their reach and away from their shocked faces. Sitting him down, hidden in a corner to clean away the blood and check the scalp wound. He was deathly silent as I cleaned his wounds, then again I didn't speak either. Not that much to say really, I had been a bitch to him all day. "I'm sorry." I mumbled.

"For what?" Adam asked coldly, "For treating me like a lepper all day? For walking away when I needed you? Or for telling those thugs that we are dating?"

"All of it kinda, but not the bullies cause you needed that." I answered, sticking a plaster on his head and brushing his hair to cover most of it.

"What the hell is going on in your head?" He demanded, "You have been weird with me all weekend since we kissed."

"Look are you ready to tell those guys you are gay and face coming out to a school full of punks that will make your life a living hell? Far worse then they do now! You barely make it through the school day alive as it is! Whataya think it would be like if they knew the truth?" I snapped.

Adam sighed, "No I'm not ready yet to tell anyone. Only you know, if my parents heard I dunno what I would do."

"Fine then the only way to stop the bullying is to give them a reason to believe you are straight as an arrow. AKA a fake cover story girlfriend, which I am perfectly happy to be for you. I'm leaving at prom anyways, that is what four months away? It would be fool hardy for me to enter into any relationships right now on anything other then a purely sexual basis and I don't screw with freshmen!" I commented.

"You would really sacrifice your personal happiness for my well being?" He asked.

"Always." I answered without even thinking about the answer.

"But why that other shit?" Adam asked, "Why are you so cold to me? You are my best friend, I need you to be okay with me!"

I looked away, "I can't tell you baby, not this."

"You can tell me anything, you know that baby. What could I have done that is hurting you so badly?" He demanded.

"Its not you, its me Adam. This is my cross to bare not yours, that's just the way it has to be." I commented softly.

"Sarah please let me in. You have never locked me out, so why now?" What could be so damn bad that you can't tell me?" He asked.

"If I told you then it would ruin our friendship, we could never be the same again." I warned.

"Sarah, you are scaring the hell out of me!" He snapped, "Just tell me!"

"I'm falling in love with you!" I snapped back.

Adam went white, "Oh hell."

I sighed slamming my fist into the wall trying to calm the shaking and my rolling emotional state. "I said I should have kept it to myself."

Adam looked at me and came to rub my shoulders. "If I could change and not be gay for you I would in a heartbeat. I'm sorry for kissing you, if I had known I wouldn't have."

"I knew you would and I know we can never be anything but really close best friends. I accept that, and I would rather be your friend then live without you." I answered.

"Tomorrow we need to pull a fight and end our "relationship' infront of the whole school. It wouldn't be fair on you to fake this, with your feelings towards me." He stated.

"I can do this, I wanna do this for you, so that you are safe finally. My feelings are mine to deal with not yours. I will be fine, I promise. Please let me look after you for once." I begged.

He stared, and sighed. "If it gets too much you will tell me right?"

I promised, completely lying and hugged him.

"You deserve love you know, you need to find someone to take away your pain. You need to get laid!" He commented.

"I haven't time to date and I've never slept with someone I have loved unless it was against my will" I replied.

"Sometimes you need to accept that sex isn't always about loving someone. Its about finding a release, doing what your body needs and what your soul requires. Sometimes all you need is to take some of the pain away with a little distraction and some sweet company." He tried to explain.

"Yeah well, that's how YOU live! That's not how I exist, I am not a slut!" I stormed off.

"Maybe you should be." He commented quietly following, "You might be a damn sight happier!"


	11. Chapter 11

**I Can't Let You Go**  
**Chapter 11**

**"Can You Feel It Kickin In?"**

We snuck back into Adam's dressing room, he went to a drawer and pulled out a sealed packet throwing it at me. I pulled it open slightly confused, looking at a pair of black leather trousers and a black tee shirt in my size and matching red and black lacy underwear. He also passed over a pair of my favourite knee boots I thought I had lost. "Exactly why do you carry these around with you on tour?" I asked.

Adam shrugged, "Always like to be prepaired and its a good thing too today. Unlesss you want to go clubbing dressed as barbie girl? Is this your new look for summer?"

"Get stuffed!" I said glaring at him, as I disappeared behind the screen to change.

Adam laughed picking through his jackets on a rack to find one that wouldn't drown me too badly.

I came out much more comfortably dressed and the pink filth balled up in my hands. I threw it in the metal trashcan and hunted through his pockets for his lighter.

"Do you mind?" He asked laughing as I felt him up.

"Not really." I smiled, finding it at last in his jeans pocket. "Goodbye you shitty work wear pink trash I never have to see or wear ever again!" Pouring on an inch of the whisky I found on the table and setting light to it. Watching the flames burning away my past and finally setting me free to live again.

"Feel better now my little pyromaniac?" Adam asked, cleaning off my make up and starting again.

"Much better, god damned pink barbie girl trashy bella swan lilyanna frosted cupcake crap!" I grumbled.

Patiently standing there as he painted me up in black and silver glitter. Even wasted his hand was steady and true as he worked on my eyes. Then he attacked my wild untamable hair and somehow with a mixture of nice smelling oils and a curling tong, gave me beautiful locks. Looking in the mirror I didn't think that I had ever looked as beautiful as I did right now. I was still standing there staring in the mirror when he took a picture of me on his phone. "HEY!" I objected snapping back to myself.

"Don't begrude a dying man showcasing his artwork. Not when the model is so damn fine!" He winked dropping the jacket around my shoulders.

"Silver tongued bastard." I complained.  
"Are ya hungry?" He asked as we left. "Did you eat yet?". Everyone else had left by now to go to the after party, leaving just us and security.

"Not really, I'm okay." I mumbled trying to deflect the question.

Adam knowing that meant that more then likely I hadn't eatten all day again waited til we passed a street vendor and he snagged a couple of savoury pretzals, passing me one. "Did you eat anything today?" He pressed.

"Erm kinda." I answered picking at the food.

"Anything other then caffine and sugar?" He insisted.

"No." I sighed.

"Sarah! You can't go on like this! Drinking again, not eatting! What are we gonna do when both of us end up in hospital? I don't want you to self destruct just because I am sick." Adam snapped, "The pain that you feel, you only can heal through living. You have to go on living, so that one of us is living."

I laughed, "Songs from the Buffy Once More With Feeling soundtrack now?"

"Well I kinda like Spike. He is hot, damn hot in that leather." Laughing he slung an arm around me as we walked.  
Joining in the laughter I managed to tuck into the savoury goodness and even stole a few of the fries Adam bought a bit further along. More then I'd eatten in days. He always made me feel better just by being there. Fixing each other just by being close to one another.

We hit a few seedy bars, he drank like a fish and dragged me dancing. I tried to keep myself clearheaded to look after him, but even drinking one to each of his four/five drinks it was going to my head way too fast.

We danced like maniacs, certainly taking 'party til they take us away' seriously. Neither of us danced very well, bump and grind was about our limit. No one noticed, and damn were we having a good time.

As the drinks flowed freely and I started to forget I was trying to pace myself we grew dangerously close to one another as we danced. Adam pulling me in even closer, kissing down my neck in the most seductive of mannors. You couldn't fit a single sheet of paper between our bodies as the dancing grew sexier and steamier.

Oh this was cruel, tempting me with what I could never have, but I couldn't pull away either. The drink was making me too damn shameless, I pulled his head up from my neck to kiss him. The kiss was full of need and passion on both sides as his tongue forced its way into my mouth. He had never kissed me like this before. Most of them had always been pure and chaste, full of love not passion. Even the stage kisses had never been like this.

Part of my mind was screaming there's something wrong, the other was shouting shut it idiot and enjoy this, you have waited for it damn well long enough. The evil part of me won trying not to moan out loud at the emotions surfacing in me long forgotten.

The world could be burning around us and neither of us would notice. We were lost in each others bodies, I felt Adam's hand circling my waist. Pulling up my tee shirt to stroke down my spine. That time I did gasp at the touch and that seemed to egg him on even more as his other hand slide around to stroke up under the garment. His hand brushing my bra and the top of my breast. My eyes closed as his lips claimed mine again, I wanted this. I really wanted this more then I dared to admit, but this wasn't Adam.

I pushed him away and stumbled outside. I couldn't breath being in there a second longer. I needed to clear my head and calm my emotions. First time ever I wished I smoked or something. Just to give me something to do to come down from that dance floor high.

"Sarah, wait please I'm sorry!" Adam shouted, crashing after me. Nearly slipped over on his high heeled boots as he slammed around the corner.

"What the fuck was that?!" I demanded, "Playing with my emotions like that! You know how I feel for you, how I have always felt for you. You have no idea how much torture it is every day to stay friends when I want and need so much more from you."

"YES I DO!" Adam snapped back, "You aren't the only one in love with who they shouldn't be here!"

That stopped me in my tracks, "You what?" I asked.

Adam looked embarressed, "I'm in love with you Sarah, and I have been for a very long time. I wanted you to know how I honestly and truely feel before I end."

I took several steps away, "But you are gay!"

"I know!" He snapped, "Don't think it doesn't drive me crazy trying to understand that. I love men, they are everything I want, but nothing that I really need. After Steve left me and we lost touch as friends. I tried it with anyone I thought would take away the pain, but nothing ever did. Truth is I'm in love with Steve still. I never got over him, and I never got over you either. I have to keep looking at guys and checking if I still like them, because every time I look at you. You take my breath away, I need you, I want you. Sarah I'd marry you if only we had the time left to live our lives together, but anything I say now you will just think is me on a deathwish, but its not! Sarah my sweet angel I am gay, but for one woman and that's you!" He broke off in tears, "Please baby see the heart of me, like you always can. See that this is the truth, pure simple heart song from me!"

It was true, I could always read if he was being honest or not. He looked broken, alone, afraid, here was the caring man I had always known was hidden away in there. The one he was always too scared to show, and there it was right at the forfront of his personality. It was true every single word of it. I couldn't stop crying, these were the words I had needed to hear for so very long. "How long?" I choked out.

"Prom." He answered very quietly, "After what happened then I knew I couldn't live without you, but all these years I was too scared to admit it, even to myself. I felt wrong, dirty for how I felt. When we lived together it was torture watching you walk around in those little slutty nightdresses and stuff thinking I wasn't looking. I know you will never forgive me for that. I'm so sorry."

I smiled, "I would have worn less if I had known you were looking."

Adam looked up confused, "Really? You aren't disgusted that I was perving on your sweet ass?"

I laughed, "Fuck no, I perved on yours more then enough times to make up for that." I pulled him into a hug.

"Are we okay?" He asked.

"Baby, we are always okay." I answered kissing him.

"Oh that's mean." He murmered.

"And that is my usual line." I whispered in his ear, "Maybe we should be a lot meaner to each other?" I stroked my hand down the front of his jeans making him gasp.

"I've never been with a girl, I'm not exactly sure what to do?" He said softly.

"Then for once its my turn to teach you something, because I knew exactly what to do to a man." I suggested.

"I think I'd like that." He answered.

"Good, so would I."


	12. Chapter 12

**I Can't Let You Go**

**Chapter 12**  
**'Demons Prom'**

**Authors Note: Sorry for the long delay, having resently had a close family member be in hospital and we lost them a death flick isn't easy for me to write anymore. Please note it isn't 'adam', an older relative. I will update as I find the strength to continue it. It will finish as I have a kick ass ending planned, and maybe a sequal.**

Prom, it was everywhere and boy was I sick of hearing about it. Girls turning into airhead morons talking about dresses, heels and make up tips. Boys chasing girls down to ask them to go with them. It was a hellish time if you were a loner. Made you feel even more disgusting and wretched.

The fake relationship was going well, the bullies were keeping away from Adam mostly. I could live with that, although my heart ached watching the cute couples in the corridors. Wonder if I could ever have that? Or if I was doomed to forever be alone?

I sighed taking my lunch into the library today. No way could I face the evil prom bitches practising their dancing on the grass I normally sat on again. I hadn't seen Adam much today either. So I couldn't even buddy up with him. Grabbing some random dark fantasy off the shelf I lurked for the darkest corner of the room to sit and read. The library was deserted, but just to be on the safe side I wanted to be hiddern from the brainless Lilyanna bitches.

As I walked by the shelving I caught a glimspe of Adam in a tight embrace kissing that blonde jock. I shook my head, "Don't mind me, just carry on with what you are doing.' Walked passed them and settled down at the table to enjoy the book.

Adam slammed after me, "I'm sorry Sarah, I didn't want you to find out this way."

I was a little hurt, he knew that I had liked the tall blonde guy and now even that had been stolen from me. "It doesn't matter Adam, I'm just the FAKE girlfriend. Nothing I think or feel matters."

"It matters to me baby, it always has!" He said, sitting in front of her. "You must be hurt, talk to me please."

"Just get out of my damn face Lambert!" I snapped, slamming back from the table and storming off.

Adam sighed looking at the left behind untouched meal, "Damn it, I never do anything right!"

Steve rubbed his shoulders, "She will come round, don't worry. You know how much she loves you."

"Maybe that's the problem, I always ask so much of her, and she always gives it without question. I am so cruel to that poor child, my best friend." He murmered.

"Then why don't you take her to the dance to say sorry?" He suggested.

Adam shrugged, "I don't even know if she would want to go."

The blonde rolled his eyes, "You really don't know anything about girls do you! Of COURSE she wants to go to prom! She just thinks you are too dumb to ask her. Why else would she get so wound up seeing people prepair for the party?"

Adam nodded, "I really don't understand women, I better find her." He pushed the jock back into the stacks first to finish their kissing to give her time to simmer down a little.

X

I cut out of classes early, it was pretty much just party prep now anyway. I found myself wandering the mall looking in shop windows. I had bought some pizza from the food court and munched it as I walked. Truely I was bored out of my skull watching giggling girls with their dress boxes. I just didn't wanna go home, my parents were fighting again.

I had a small fortune in tips and wages saved up ready to bail town and everyone I knew in a few weeks. I had found a small two bedroom apartment I had applied for, now I was just waiting to see if my police forged references had gained me the location I wanted.

I had even managed to secure myself a job at the Bourbon Room with a lot of begging and pleading involved. If I was gonna barback, at least let it be at the best rock bar in town, where all the famous people started up! I prayed that we both would make our break pretty soon. I even read the stage sheets every single week taking notice of every audition being held.

A series of goth ball gown attracted me to a shop window and I stood there for a long while. Wishing I had somewhere to wear something so magical. That would never happen, nothing special or happy ever happened in my life.

Bar meeting my soulmate and even that was tainted by the fact he could never love me in return. That fact had been slammed back home to me today. That I really needed to find some love for myself. Maybe Adam had been right? Maybe I did just need a damn good lay to set me back right again.

As I stood there an arm slipped around my shoulder with a styrofoam cup of bitter hot chocolate. The smell was divine, I took it and sipped perfect.

"You should buy the dress if you like it so very much." Adam commented, "It would look great on you."

"Where would I ever wear that? I'd look a right idiot in the street with it!" I mumbled annoyed.

"You would look beautiful in one of them at prom." He suggested.

"Yeah well no one will ask the freak dating the fag out will they!" I snapped.

"Then be my date one last time and let's have an amazing gothball prom, I'll buy you what ever dress you like as a sorry for being such a jerk. I should have asked if you were okay with me dating Steve. I didn't wanna hurt you, but seems I ended up making it worse with my silence and hurting you more. Forgive me, please?" He pouted.

"Screw you and your gay life, I hate yóu!" I snapped back, "A pretty dress won't make me forgive you."

"Then let me spend my whole life making it up to you. Come on please?" He pouted again trying to hug me, but I pulled away. "If I wanted to go, I'd have gone by now, but I really need you near me. To keep my mind off the edge." He sung softly.

His voice always did make me melt, creamy, sensual, exotic. Even without any backing. He was perfection in every single way and he knew it. And exactly which buttons to press to have me eatting out of his palm again. "New song?" I commented sipping the cooling drink.

"You are the only one who knows me, better then I know myself!" He carried on hugging me.

"Damn you Lambert, damn you to hell!" I grouched, attempting to fend off the huge hug before eventually giving in.

"Now can I buy you a pretty dress?" He asked gently.

"I'm going to LOOK at dress because I want to, but that doesn't mean anything!" I snapped, "I'm only going because I want to NOT because you want to!"

"Of course, my sweet light of all lights." Adam answered, holding the door open for me.

"Pack it with the Dracula shit too." I glared.

"Can I help that I find you irresistable my little blood clot?" He put on this cheesy accent.

I rolled my eyes, "So lame sparkles, so tacky!"

Of course looking turned into trying on, and a dozen outfits each later we came out with two huge clothes of clothing for the prom tucked under Adam's arm he had paid for. I'd tried to stop him when I saw the price, but he had insisted as an early birthday gift. Before we both got skint living in the flat together. That I had to agreed on, soon every single penny would count.

He walked me back home, an with a peck on the cheek as a goodbye he left me to hang the lovely dress.

Two evenings later prom night was here, I stood at my mirror adjusting the purple and black medieval ball gown. Slight bodice, to a long flowing skirt, and long drooping sleeves. Showing more then it should of my chest with all the various underbindings I had on.

Readjusting the bat pendant at my throat, my hobnail witchy ankleboots already killing my feet. My money and I'd was fixed in a velvet pouch on my hip. My hair I'd dyed jet black last night, and spent hours earlier that day letting Adam perm it into perfect flowing ringlets.

I hadn't put any make up on, I knew he was fixing it when he got here. I'd left the key under the matt for him as my folks were away. Yeah they couldn't even make time for me for my prom. I heard a light tap on my door and called him in.

Adam carefully openned the door and gasped, "You look beautiful!"

I took in his leather trousers, platform boots making his normal over six foot a good four inches taller, pirate shirt in black cotton loosely laced, and edwardian velvet smoking jacket and gulped. "You look pretty sexy yourself." I stumbled over.

"Hey, I found something awesome I just HAD to buy it! I think I could make it my trade mark!" He commented exictedly, pulled out a tall cane with a bat topper.

"Oh my god that's just so perfect." I exclaimed, running to my wardrobe trying to knock down a hatbox. After a few failed attempted he rescued me and fetched it. I ruffled through some tissue paper and pulled out a top hat with a purple ribbon covered in bats around it. "You have the coat and the cane, ya gotta have the hat as well!" I said dropping it on his head.

Adam studied his appearance for a few long moments in the mirror before breaking out into a broad smile. "Oh baby, its just perfect! I love it!" Bouncing up and down like a little kid.

"Someones had too much sugar today." I commented, whiting down my face so he could turn me into a master piece.

He did at least calm down enough to paint me up all sexy, even adding two bleeding bitemarks on my neck. Before pinning a black rose corsage to my shoulder. "My beloved angel of music, you look like a dream."

"A nightmare more like." I snorted.

A million picture later, we got to the prom out of a herse. Yeah a real converted herse he had hired for the night. Having just passed his test the boy had wanted to show off as one of the very few drivers in our class.

He helped me from the car, and I looked around. Hundreds of sluttily dressed girls in peach or pink staring at us on the arms of the jocks and airheads in tight suits. I tried to hide and sneak back to the car, but Adam wouldn't let me. "Embrace your weirdness, don't be scared of it my love. Who cares what these idiots think? We leave town very soon, and then we never need to see them again. Until then, let's just be us and have a blast!"

I smiled weakly trying to ignore the 'witch', 'freak', 'weirdo' and various other comments and let Adam pull me onto the dance floor to rock out. When I'd managed to tune the others out I found myself really enjoying the night. The music was amazing, the company exellent, loved the costumes and just chilling.

The world seemed to fall away leaving no one but just us there. I laid my head on his shoulder as we slow danced, and his lips brushed my neck with a few soft kisses. "Am I forgiven?" Adam asked quietly.

"Aren't you always?" I murmered back, relaxing into his arms.

"Good girl." He whispered into my hair kissing me again.

Steve walked in with some cheerleader on his arm, I felt Adam stiffen. "That's his sister," I commented dryily, "Why don't I get some punch while you talk to him?"

He smiled, "Thanks baby.' Rushing off to see his lover.

How could I know that choice would ruin the night and scar us both for life? It seemed such a simple kindness as I stood there sipping my drink. I gasped at the burn in my throat. Someone had spiked this stuff good! A few of these and I'd be on my ass, I made a mental note to be careful how much I drank.

I watched the boys talking as I sipped, you could tell how much in love they were. Strangely I felt a little dizzy, half a cup?! I'm not that much of a light weight surely?

I found somewhere to sit and sipped some water. Someone grabbed me from behind and dragged me out of the room. Hand over my mouth so that I couldn't scream. I tried to struggle, but suddenly I felt so damn weak. Felt so strange, every ounce of strength I had left I poured into a mental scream for my baby, praying he would hear me and save me once again.


	13. Chapter 13

I cant let you go

Chapter 13

Demons Prom cont

Authors Note: I know we have been running as one chapter present, one past for the whole flick. i am sorry to mess that up here, but i have no choice. the prom piece grew so long that i had to break it and if i don't finish it the next present won't make sense, so bare with me and sorry for the confusion

Adam felt a cold chill down his spine, he looked around them "Where's Sarah gone?" he asked softly.

Steve checked, "She was by the punchbowl a moment ago, perhaps she went to the ladies?"

Adam nodded unconvinced, the cold feeling growing stronger as long moments passed. A sick feeling in his stomach. He was shaking, sweating, so would never leave without telling him. "We need to find her." he commented.

Knowing their special connection Steve didn't even question it. "If we split up we will find her faster, don't worry its probabley nothing baby."

Adam shook his head, "Shes in trouble i know she is."

They searched the gym, and the corridors outside without seeing a sign of her. Surely a gothic Belladonna would be easy to see in this crowd. Adam even checked back at the car and still nothing there. Steve broke off to see if his sister would check all the bathrooms for them. Adam tried her phone a few times, straight to voicemail so she had to be out of cell range. He noticed torch lights in the swimming pool and the dots connected, that was the only cell black spot on campus. His blood grew cold, if she was there it would be against her will. She couldn't swim and was terrified of water after nearly drowning as a child.

Adam rushed over not caring if he got himself into trouble as long as he could save her. He heard splashing and screams coming from the pool. One guy kept dunking her head under water shouting about 'dunking the witch' and 'saving her soul'. Her lip was puffy, her clothes ripped open like she had been assulted. Five guys on the side of the pool cheering him on in this vile deed. No one was gonna hurt his babygirl. Adam rushed forward and found himself grabbed, a needle stuck in his arm. he tried to fight it, but they were too fast. The wooziness kicked in, whatever that stuff was it was good.

"Now we can teach the fag the lesson we always wanted to as well. I know that hurting the witch bitch would bring him running." one of the guys crowed.

"Get away from her!" Adam growled, tryign to fend them off. He remembered that he still had his cane and started wacking them before the drug made him too weak to act. Five on one, there wasn't much of a chance. He found himself bailed into the pool as they tried to shove him under. Coughing and spluttering as the water started to fill his lungs he kept on fighting for her. Anything to be at her side and save her from drowning. He couldn't lose her! He'd fight to his very last breath, never giving up.

Then the room was full of lights and people. Gods bless Steve who must have gone for help. The arms pinning Adam down released and he struggled over to Sarah to drag her out of the pool, the blonde was there helping. "Is she breathing?" he asked.

Adam laid her down gently and checked. "SHIT!" he muttered, no she wasn't. He started CPR, "Don't you fucking leave me you fucking bitch!" he shouted as he repeated the actions. Praying to anything and everything that he could think of if he could just get his gurl back again.

The body shuddered and Sarah gasped in air, choking up the water from her lungs. Adam grabbed her into a tight embrace, "I thought i'd lost you!"

"Im not going anywhere ever." she promised weakly hugging back.

Attention started to fall on them. "Get her out of here before this gets ugly." Steve warned.

Slinging Sarah into his arms Adam carried her out to the car and took her home. He stripped off her wet clothing, helping her to towel off and change. Stealing some of her fathers clothing, she helped him out of his own damp rags. They both sat on the bed in pj's hugging, her head on his chest still shivering. Not from cold, but from the fear of what had happened. "I cant believe the outfits got ruined." she murmered.

Adam laughed, "I will get you a new pretty dress sweetheart, a better dress i promise." He stroked down herback, kissing down her neck.

"Adam." she moaned softly, "Do you have any idea how much that gets to me?"

"I think i would like to." he answered kissing more firmly.

Sarah looked confused, pulling away slightly. "What do you mean baby?"

"Im not sure what i mean or what i feel right now." he confessed, "I just feel i want, i need to do this." he pulled her head up and kissed her passionatly.

The kiss leaving her breathless, "Baby they drugged us both, we don't really know what we are doing." she whispered.

Adam stroked her hair, peppering his lips and neck with more sweet kisses. "Can we just for one night do this and it doesn't mean anything?" he asked, "Its been so long since either of us took care of our personal needs. I nearly lost you today, i can't process that right now. I need you."

Her body wanted him, hell she wanted him. "Adam, you are gay this isn't right, i'd be taking advantage of you."

"Maybe i want to be taken advantage of." he asked, "Please we don't have to go all the way, just please. I need to feel that you are still here with me."

As he kissed her again, her control slipped and she found herself kissing him back roughly. His spicy scent making her head spin, or was that just the kisses? damn this man drove her wild. "Are you sure that you want this?" she asked.

"Are you?" he asked.

Sarah looked him up and down, "Oh yeah the bodywork is terrible, why would i want that?"

Adam blushed, "Sorry i know im ugly, i shouldn't have asked." He pulled away, "I guess i should go home."

"Oh you brainless idiot." she said, "You need to look in the mirror more often my beloved and see the fucking awesome sexiness of you!"

Adam stared at her, "You really think im sexy? No one has ever said that to me before."

Sarah pulled him back down onto the bed, "You are the sexiest man that i have never seen. It drives me insane how beautiful you are. Inside and out as well. Kind, loving, generous, loyal, trustworthy and tonight you saved my life."

Adam nodded slowly taking in the words. The wonderful praise he never expected to hear from anyone. In one smooth motion he pushed her back onto the bed and started to unbutton her shirt. Kissing her so tenderly, lovingly. He wasn't sure how to touch a woman, he'd never done it before. Human instinct must have taken over because in that moment he wasn't nervous at all. His body guiding him what to try, and Sarah's gasps egging him on. He studied her breast in total fasination, never having seen any naked before. They really were a beautiful invention. Knowing how sensative mans nipples were he decided to see if a woman was the same. locking his lips around one licking gently. Sarah arched into him groaning.

He liked that, he likd it a lot. The sound sent chills down his spine straight to his dick who was very much enjoying everything that was going on. Adam slipped a hand down to stroke her inner thighs in slow lazy circles barely touching the flesh. The need growing inside of her showing clearlyin the lustful kisses. Her hand slipped down to stroke his hardness as the passion rolled more deeply over him as well. Adam realised something, he had never felt like this for any woman before. This body had never reacted to a single touch from them. It had been nice sure enough, but he had never been able to 'rise to the occassion' for them. Now he was more then ready to go a few rounds and then a few more.

Adam wanted her badly. How could that be possible? He was completely 100% Boy George gay wasn't he? Adam shook his head to clear it, thoughts like that could be answer later. Much later, hopefully never. For now he just wanted to be wrapped up in the moment of them together at long last


End file.
